


Geek-O-Rama: Season One

by MadamHazel



Category: Bones, CSI: NY, Lord of the Rings - Fandom, Torchwood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-23
Updated: 2011-12-31
Packaged: 2017-10-27 23:13:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/301098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadamHazel/pseuds/MadamHazel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which two teenagers and their elfen friend go on not-so-magical adventures and get into trouble, all for the pursuit of making a good radio show. Set in script format, with no basis in reality whatsoever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Sad, Sad Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I make no apologies for this. (even though I am a bit ashamed) I'm not even going to bother explaining it. This does has a prequel, in case you get confused, but that's an embarrasing part of my childhood that will never, ever be revealed to the public, so you're just going to have to figure it out from the text. It's pretty obvious. Pay attention, because there is a plot running through the whole season. I promise.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our valiant host, her long-suffering friend, and Legolas the elf take on the controversial subject of crime-solving, and end up committing a few themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This series was posted on Livejournal every Sunday, so...Just imagine that you're reading it like that or something. Keep it in mind. This episode is set on August 21st, 2011.

Cast of Characters:

            Lindsey- identified as L

            Legolas- identified as Lg

            Grace- identified as G

Special Guests:

            Dr. Temperance Brennan- identified as B

            Detective Mac Taylor- identified as M

            Ianto Jones- identified as I

 

Geek-O-Rama: Episode 1- The Sad, Sad Beginning

L: Hello, and welcome to the first episode of Geek-O-Rama! This is a revamped version of our previous radio show, which was canceled due to…complications.

Lg: She almost got arrested for kidnapping a construction worker.

L: Shut up.

G: Oh, is that why we’re meeting in an old abandoned warehouse?

L: No, it isn’t, really, so shut _up._

G: This is a radio show, isn’t it? Aren’t we supposed to talk?

Lg: She has a point.

L: You don’t talk during the introduction!

Lg: Who says?

L: It’s in the contract!

G: What contract?  
L: _This_ contract.

Lg: …That’s a blank piece of paper.

L: Yeah, but- but- Just be quiet until I finish the introduction, okay? Will you do it? For me?

G: Fine.

Lg: Fine, as long as I get an extra box of Thin Mints at the end.

L: It’s a deal. Okay-

G: You get Thin Mints?

Lg: It’s in the contract. And she thinks I’m pretty, which is a plus.

G: Oh.

L: A _hem._

G & Lg: Sorry.

L: Thank you. Anyway, this is a gritty reboot of the first radio show, so expect a lot more blood, gore and angst. Yay! I mean, um, grr. I hate the world.

G: Good job angsting.

L: What did I say about not talking?

G: Sorry.

L: Going on. I’m your host, Lindsey. I was formerly known as ‘Shiny,’ but now that I am a mature and grown adult, I prefer my real name.

Lg: Yes, you’re sixteen. That’s so very mature and grown.

L: Yes. Yes it is. And these two jokers with me are Legolas and my friend Grace.

Lg: What, I’m not your friend?

L: Well, everyone knows you. You’re the elf who needs no introduction. But not everybody knows Grace, so I have to tell them who she is. See? Logic.

G: Makes sense to me.

Lg: Hahahahaha. Logic. Sense. Hahaha, I get it! Get it?

L: *sigh* Yes, Legolas. We get it. It’s very funny. Anyway, to wrap up the introduction, the format of each episode is this: each episode has a theme, and special guests come to talk about that theme.

G: That was very concise.

L: Thank you. I try.

Lg: Our theme this episode is crime-solving. Wait, crime-solving? What?

G: Isn’t that a little…different from what we usually do?

Lg: Yeah, we usually just talk randomly until you get tired of us and tell us to go.

L: I told you, this is the gritty reboot. We’re doing things differently now. New show, new themes. You gotta problem with that?

G: Oh no, it’s just- no. No problem.

Lg: No.

L: Good. In light of this theme, I present to you our first guest- Dr. Temperance Brennan!

Lg: Wow, she’s really high end, how did you-

B: *small, tinny voice* Hello, I’m Dr. Temperance Brennan, and I’m here to t*kssscchht* to you about what it’s like to be a forensic anthropologist. And work with Booth, w*kssccht*ch is very important to people for some reason. I *ksscchht* with *ksscchhht ksscht kssssccht-* *cuts off*

Lg: That was just a recording, wasn’t it?

L: …Maybe?

G: I was wondering why I didn’t see her anywhere…

Lg: So where did you get it?

G: She probably illegally downloaded it off of a seedy website.

L: Eeeep! I mean, um, there’s no evidence of that.

G: Tinny quality of recording, the crackling throughout, the fact that it cuts off only a few seconds in…

Lg: And there’s the logo for an illegal site on the bottom half of your screen.

L: That’s- just- Why are you going on about this?

G: Well, this is an episode about crime-solving. We’re just following the theme.

L: Yeah, but don’t solve _my_ crime!

Lg: Speaking of crime, who’s that guy over there tied up to the chair?

L: Oh! This is our second guest. Lady and gentle-elf, dear lovely listeners, this is Mac Taylor, head of CSI: New York, here to talk to us about crime scene investigation.

G: She’s moved up from construction workers, hasn’t she?

L: Detective Taylor has been kind enough to sit here and be silent until his part in the show.

Lg: That’s probably because of the gag in his mouth.

L: Oh! Yeah. *rustling noise* There you go, Detective. Now talk to us about your job.

M: You’re never going to get away with this, you know.

L: That’s…not really the subject I wanted, but okay!

M: My team is analyzing this as we speak. They’ll figure out where we are in no time.

L: Great! Now, what techniques do they use? Is there a fancy gadget that’s a favorite of the team?

G: We’re so arrested, aren’t we?

Lg: Oh yeah.

L: Shut up, guys! I’m having a serious interview, befitting the gritty reboot tone. Mac, you say your team will find out where we are. How will they do that exactly?

M: Because I’ll tell them. We’re at mmghmg- *rustling noise*

L: Uh, thank you, Detective, for those startling insights into the world of Crime Scene Investigation, and thank you again for taking time out of your busy day to come down and talk to us.

G: I don’t think he had much of a choice.

Lg: I’ll just keep a watch out for the police coming by, shall I?

L: Sure, sure, whatever. And now, last but not least, phoning all the way in from Cardiff, Wales…Ianto Jones!

G & Lg: Who?

L: Oh, come on! It’s _Ianto_. He works for Torchwood.

G: Torchwood? I thought the theme was crime-solving.

L: Well, they do solve crimes. Alien crimes. It counts.

G: *sigh* Whatever.

L: Exactly, just do whatever I say. So, Ianto, what’s it like working for Torchwood?

I: *crackly over a phone* Well, it’s interesting. You’re never bored, that’s for certain.

G: Whoa, he actually exists.

Lg: That’s surprising.

G: And he’s willing.

Lg: That’s even more surprising.

L: I’m ignoring you both. Ianto, chasing after aliens, it must raise some tensions within the team. How does your boss handle that?

I: Well, Jack is always very good at relieving tension.

Lg: I just can’t believe they’re having a normal conversation. This is _weird_.

L: Shut up, Legolas. Ianto, your boss, Captain Jack Harkness. What’s he like?

I: Jack is very…interesting. On the one hand, he’s completely irresponsible. He always forgets his dry-cleaning, he never cleans his gun, he feeds Myfanwy the wrong kind of food-

G: I’m sorry, who?

I: Oh, Myfanwy. The pterodactyl.

G: You have a pterodactyl?

I: Yes.

L: Grace, can we focus? Please?

G: But it’s a pterodactyl. They have a dinosaur.

L: So? I had a dinosaur once.

Lg: It was a stuffed T-Rex, Lindsey. It doesn’t count.

L: Dangit. Anyway, Ianto, you were saying?

I: I was saying, as much as Jack is irresponsible, he’s also *ksssssshhhhhk*

L: Ianto? Ianto?

G: I think the signal’s lost.

Lg: It would make sense. I mean, he is calling from Wales.

L: What? No! No, I made specific arrangements so that wouldn’t happen.

G: Do I want to ask what sort of arrangements?

L: I hijacked a satellite signal.

G: That’s what I thought.

Lg: So then what cut it off?

L: And why does Mac look so triumphant?

*the sound of doors banging open, running feet, yelling*

Don Flack: NYPD, freeze! Hands in the air, now!

L: Wait, this isn’t New York, it’s Virginia! You’re outside your jurisdiction.

Booth: But not outside mine.

L: Whoa.

Lg: Who’s he?

L: FBI guy.

G: Oh snap.

Flack: Come on, let’s go.

L: Wait! What about my radio show?

Flack: If you’re good, maybe we’ll let you record it in prison. It’d give the other inmates some entertainment.

*sounds of receding feet, with voices fading away*

G: My mom’s gonna _kill_ me.

Lg: Your mother? My Ada’s a king. I’ll be disowned.

L: Say, would either of you fellas like to give an interview?

*sounds of muffled conversation and busywork, then…*

Danny: Hey, Hawkes, this must be their recording equipment.

Hawkes: It’s pretty cheap-looking.

Danny: Haha, yeah. It’s still running, maybe we should-

*END OF TAPE*


	2. Insert Inappropriate Prison Joke Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our heroes find themselves in prison, and find out that Bob is a surprisingly common name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set Sunday, August 28th, 2011. I particularly enjoy the ending on this one. :)

Cast of Characters:

   Lindsey- L

   Legolas- Lg

   Grace- G

Special Guests:

   Xavier (prisoner) - X

   Bob (another prisoner) – B

 

Geek-O-Rama: Episode 2- Insert Inappropriate Prison Joke Here

Lg: I am so mad at you right now.

G: Seconded.

L: Okay, so we’re in prison. We’re grounded by our parents for life. We’ll never be able to keep a steady job because of our criminal records. But look on the bright side!

Lg: What bright side?

L: Now we get an insider’s view of what prison life is like! Imagine what we can do on the show!

G: …

Lg: …

L: Oh hey, it’s recording. Hello, and welcome to the second episode of Geek-O-Rama! This week’s theme: crime and punishment.

G: She sounds so _cheerful_ about it.

Lg: She lives in her own world. She’s much happier there.

G: Yeah, but we’re not.

L: Listeners, have we got a treat for you today. We are here from inside prison, with a few very special guests.

Lg: By very special guests, she means inmates we found hanging around who didn’t look like they wanted to beat us up.

G: Hey, at least she didn’t kidnap anybody this time.

Lg: This time.

L: You guys are the most unsupportive co-hosts a radio personality could have.

G: You’re not a radio personality. You’re a psychopath with a cheap digital recorder.

L: I’m not a psychopath, I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

Lg: This is high-functioning?

L: Shut up, Legolas. *whispers to G* Is it just me, or is he snarkier than usual?

G: Gee, I wonder why being in prison would make someone snarky?

L: Nooo, I don’t think that’s it…I think he’s going through Thin Mint withdrawal.

G: Thin Mint withdrawal?

L: Uh-huh. I saw him propositioning the warden for some.

G: Prudish Legolas propositioning someone?

L: Not just any someone. A forty-eight year-old, married, male, overweight someone.

G: Oh, this is bad.

Lg: I’m standing right here, you know.

L: Whoa, where did you come from?

Lg: Haha. And I didn’t “propostion” him, I just…asked politely.

L: Is that what they’re calling it these days?

Lg: Shut up.

X: Hey, guys? You said we could be in this, so…

L: Oh yeah, we’re still doing an episode of the show, aren’t we?

G: I love how she totally ignores everything that isn’t immediately relevant to her.

L: I have a one-track mind. Anyway, here are our guests- what are your names again?

X: I’m Xavier. And this is Bob.

B: Mrrgh.

L: Wow, another Bob! I knew a Bob once. He was a construction worker , and then a special guest on this very show! Pre-gritty reboot, that is.

B: Mrrgh?

G: What she’s failing to mention is that she kidnapped him to be on the show, and that’s what we’re in here for.

Lg: That and kidnapping the head of the CSI team in New York.

G: Oh, and hijacking a satellite signal to talk to some guy in Wales, Yan- something or other.

L: It’s _Ianto_.

X: Goodness, that’s an…impressive degree of criminality.

B: Mrrrgh.

X: But what about you two? What did you do?

G: We’re accessories after the fact. We didn’t turn her in.

Lg: Even though sometimes we really, really wanted to. But we couldn’t.

B: Mrrgh?

G: There’s this contract, you see. We’re bound in ties of blood.

Lg: And Thin Mints. Mmmmm, Thin Mints…I’m hungry.

X: …I see.

G: …

Lg: …

B: Mrrrgh.

L: Roooooooxanne! You don’t have to turn on that red light. Roooooooxanne!

G: Lindsey!

L: Hm? Oh yeah! The show!

Lg: You just had to remind her, didn’t you?

G: Sorry.

L: Okay, Xavier, you’ve heard about my minor misdemeanors. Mind if we talk about yours?

Lg: Minor misdemeanors, my-

X: Ask whatever you want, I’m an open book.

G: Oh hey, that’s funny! ‘Cause Legolas was about to say a bad word, but then Xavier interrupted saying a word that sounded like the bad word, so there wasn’t a bad word but we know exactly what the bad word would have been if there had been one. Hahahahaha, that’s really funny!

Lg: Actually, I was going to say “my gorgeously-sculpted hair.”

G: …Shut up, Legolas.

L: Both of you shut up. I’m trying to have a Serious Discussion here. So, Xavier, how _did_ you end up here? Kidnap someone? Kill someone? Steal David Tennant from a convention and attempt to frolic in a field of wildflowers with him?

X: Um, no. I used to work with antiquities, and had an office in DC. One day, I saw that an opposing antiquities dealer had a piece that I wanted. So I stole it. Oh, and I embezzled some money.

L: Boooooring! Try telling the truth now.

X: What?

L: C’mon, I know you totally made that up. It’s okay, you don’t have to lie. We promise not to laugh or be freaked, no matter how weird or perverted it is.

Lg: We do?

X: But it’s what happened!

L: C’moooooon, you don’t have to fool me. What’d you do, rip off a major corporation for a noble goal whilst giving quirky one-liners? Make a revenge killing against a rival fanfiction writer? Or was it the David Tennant one? Did you steal David Tennant? Oh my God, you stole David Tennant, didn’t you!

X: She’s not going to let up, is she?

G & Lg: No.

B: Mrrrgh.

X: *sigh* Fine. Yes. I stole David Tennant and attempted to frolic with him in a field of wildflowers.

L: I knew it! See, guys? I told you I wasn’t the only one who tried that. Thanks, Xav, my man.

X: What did you call me?

L: Um, Xav?

X: *steely tone* Nobody calls me Xav. Do you hear me? Nobody!

L: Erm.

X: You can hurt me, you can mock me, you can confuse me, you can force me to say that I frolicked with David Tennant in a field of wildflowers. I don’t even know who David Tennant _is_. But there is one thing you never, ever do. Do you know what that is?

L: Never…lick a spark plug? Pee in the pool? Be on the computer for more than a hundred hours at a time.

X: Never. Call. Me. Xav!

L: Ah.

X: You never asked what Bob did to get in here. Why don’t you ask now?

L: Um, what did Bob do to get in here?

X: He beat to death the last person who called me Xav. Bob?

B: Mrrrgh?

X: Get ‘em.

B: Mrrrrgh.

G: Oh snap.

L: Whatever you do, don’t hurt the equipment! Whatever you do, don’t hurt the equipment!

Lg: The equipment, what about us?

L: The equipment is valuable. And fragile.

G: The _equipment_ is a cheap digital recorder you bought for five bucks at Family Dollar.

L: But it has the show on it! My show is EVERYTHING. It’s my LIFE.

G: And if you don’t leave the equipment and run, we’re going to lose ours! Lives, I mean. We’ll lose our lives. ‘Cause we’ll be dead.

L: No worries, he’s going after Legolas first.

G: That’s awful!

L: Nah, it’s cool. You’re forgetting that Legolas is awesome and can do anything , except sit through _Manos: The Hands of Fate_ and almost no one can do that. Look.

G: Wow, is he actually tap-dancing on Bob’s head?

L: Yep. See, all we need to do is wait until Legolas takes him out. *slam*…Or not.

G: Eugh, that looks really painful.

Lg: mommy…ow.

L: Hm. This isn’t good.

G: Snap, he’s coming towards us now! Run!

L: Don’t hurt the equipment, please, don’t hurt the equipment! You can beat us to death all you want but for god’s sake don’t hurt the- *ksssssscccccchhhhhh*

*END OF TAPE*


	3. You Can't Make Up Words Without Giving Them Meaning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set Sept. 4, 2011.

Cast of Characters:

   Lindsey- L

   Legolas- Lg

   Grace- G

 

Geek-O-Rama: Episode 3- You Can’t Make Up Words Without Giving Them Meaning

Lg: This is all your fault.

G: I still can’t believe they got us a new digital recorder.

L: They think we’re entertaining.

G: Oh, is that it?

L: Yes. We have fans Oh happy day!

Lg: My hair is _messy_. My hair is _never_ messy. You are a thing of evil.

L: Oh suck it up, you big baby. Hair is hair.

Lg: Just because you have no respect for your own personal appearance…

L: I do too!

G: Oh, really?

L: Yeah!

G: When’s the last time you took a shower?

L: Um…a couple three weeks ago?

G: Three weeks ago?

L: No, two times three weeks ago. Six.

Lg: Eeeeew! That’s disgusting. Blech. Uck.

L: We’ve been in prison.

G: We’ve only been in prison two weeks, Lindsey. What were you doing the first four weeks?

L: _I_ was getting ready for the big premiere of the show.

Lg: By not _showering_?!

L: Pfft. Who has time for the little things when you’re preparing for the media breakout of the century?

Lg: Personal hygiene is not a _little thing_. It’s important.

L: Yeah? That’s nice.

Lg: You’re disgusting. I’m moving away from you.

L: Whatever.

G: Okay, Lindsey, what’s up? You’re acting way quieter than usual.

Lg: You’re almost lackluster, and you haven’t mentioned that we’re recording once, and we’re three minutes in. It’s not normal. You’re scaring me. Stop it.

L: Oh, are we recording? That’s interesting. Anyway, I though you guys wanted me to care about the show less.

G: Well, the show is kind of the reason we’re in prison in the first place.

L: Gasp! Do not blame The Show for your own inadequacies. The Show is pure entertainment, unfettered by petty legalities.

Lg: *muttered* That’s more like it.

G: Oh that’s right, I forgot. It’s _your_ fault we’re in jail. How silly of me.

L: There’s no need to be mean about it.

G: No need-? There’s every need to-

Lg: Ladies, ladies, let’s all just calm down. Now, Lindsey, something is obviously on your mind, so spill.

L: *sigh* Alright, fine. But, Legolas?

Lg: Yeah?

L: If you ever call us ‘ladies’ in that patronizing tone again, I’ll shave your head.

Lg: *gasp* You wouln’t. You _couldn’t_.

L: You know I would in a heartbeat. And I know where you sleep.

Lg: But I sleep with my eyes open. How can you tell?

L: *creepy voice* I can tell.

Lg: …

G: …

L: But enough about trivialities! I called you here for a reason.

G: We’re all in the same cell. They had to separate us from everyone else.

Lg: How humiliating.

L: I called you around The Sacred Recorder, from The Four Corners of The Cell.

Lg: Are the capital letters really necessary?

L: Do you want me to tell you what’s going on or not?

Lg: Right, sorry.

G: Continue.

L: I have recently come across some troubling news. Do you remember Ianto Jones?

G & Lg: Who?

L: Oh, come on. Torchwood? Aliens? I hijacked a satellite to talk to him?

G: Oh, that guy.

Lg: I’m still lost.

G: Welshman with the suit.

Lg: Oh that’s right. I remember him now.

L: Wait, how’d you know he wore a suit? Nevermind. Legolas, Grace, those of you listening in at home-

G: Lindsey, the only one listening is the warden Legolas propositioned. As a matter of fact, that’s probably why we got the new recorder…that and the fact that Legolas is so pretty.

Lg: Well-

L: Stop it! Both of you, right now, or you’ll never know the fantabulistic, marveloso, mind-boggling thing that I have discovered.

G: I’m pretty sure two of those aren’t words…Sorry. Continue.

L: Thank you. Anyway, since our talk with Ianto was so rudely cut off by the police and FBI, I finagled a call to Cardiff by talking to Legolas’ warden-

Lg: He’s not _mine_.

L:- and reached his boss, Captain Jack Harkness, who delivered the fantabulistic, marveloso, mind-boggling thing which I am now about to deliver to you. Would you like to hear it?

G: Yes.

Lg: Yes, please.

L: Don’t be a kiss-ass, Legolas.

Lg: Sorry.

L: You should be. First you act all mean to me, then you think you can get back in my good graces (no pun intended- sorry, Grace) with a simple ‘yes, please’? Of all the-

G: Lindsey.

L: What?

G: The thing?

L: Oh right, the thing! What thing?

G: The thing you were about to tell us. About Yan…thing.

L: Oh, _Ianto_. I remember! *ahem* And now, the thing Jack Harkness told me. Drum roll, please!

G: …

Lg: …

L: Fine. Ianto Jones has been missing for almost a month now. Including the time he supposedly talked to us in the first episode.

G: So he called us from wherever he was?

L: No! That’s the awesome part! I sent Harkness a copy of the first episode. He and the Torchwood team analyzed it, and came to a startling conclusion- that wasn’t Ianto we talked to at all!

Lg: So, by awesome you mean creepy and disturbing.

L: There’s a difference?

G: With you? No. But this explains a lot, actually. I was kind of wondering why a guy from Wales had a thick New York accent.

Lg: Really?

G: Well, I did at the time. Then I kind of…forgot.

Lg: I wondered about that, too. I figured it was some sort of Welsh thing.

L: That’s incredibly offensive, Legolas. Also, stupid.

Lg: I come from a world where indoor plumbing hasn’t been invented yet. What do you expect?

L: You’re an _elf_. Elves are supposed to be sopisticated.

Lg: Like you’re one to talk about sophisticated.

L: What was that?

G: Guys. So if this is true about Ya- I-

L: Ianto.

G: Mr. Jones, then what should we do?

L: Well, we can’t do anything from in here.

Lg: You don’t mean…

L: Yes, I do. We’re going to break out!

G: Lindsey! You can’t say stuff like that!

L: Why not?

G: There are people listening to this, we’ll get caught!

L: Ah, no one’s listening to this. Just Legolas’ warden.

Lg: He is _not_ mine. Honestly, you ask a guy for some Thin Mints once…

L: “Asking”?

G: And it wasn’t just once, Legolas. It was 15 times.

L: And you got loads of Thin Mints because of “asking.” So really, all we need to do to get the warden on our side is to have our elfen friend bat his hellacious hazel eyes a few times.

G: Hellacious hazel?

Lg: My eyes aren’t hazel.

L: No?

Lg: No.

L: Are they brown?

Lg: No.

L: Green?

Lg: No.

L: Purple?

Lg: N- what?

G: You could try, I don’t know, just looking at his eyes?

L: But that would be _boring_.

Lg: My eyes are blue, for your information.

L: Really? Hm…they don’t look blue.

Lg: Well, they are.

G: No, you’re right, They look sort of steely gray to me.

L: Yeah. Like the ocean sky right before it rains, where you can’t see the sun but you can see it shine through the clouds, and the rain hasn’t started falling yet but there’s a sheen of mist all around, and you look out on the water and wonder at the beauty in such bleakness.

G: …

Lg: …

L: Or something.

G: Okaaaay…

Lg: Where on _earth_ did you come up with that?

L: I watch you while you sleep. A lot. Like, most of the time, when you sleep, I’m watching you.

G: …

L: …

Lg: I’m never sleeping again…

L: So! Breaking out?

G: Yup.

Lg: Sounds good.

L: Okay, here’s what we do-

G: Wait! Shouldn’t we turn off the recorder?  
L: I thought we covered this, we’ll be fine.

G: You never know, there might be more people listening. Better safe than sorry.

L: Pffft.

Lg: Technically speaking, this isn’t actually an episode, since we never did an introduction or theme.

L: Meh. Doesn’t matter. It’s all plotty exposition anyway. No special guests or anything.

Lg: Oh, and one last thing. You.

L: Yes?

Lg: Take a shower.

L: What?

Lg: You heard me. Or maybe you didn’t since your ears are clogged with dirt from not washing. You reek to high heaven, your filth chases off rats and roaches alike, and the oil in your hair could power a car for a year.

L: It’s not that bad.

Lg: Yes, it is.

G: It kind of really is.

L: Is not.

Lg: You’re such a-

G: Yeah, I’m going to stop the recording right here. Goodnight, Mr. Warden!

*END OF TAPE*


	4. And We're Probably About To Die. So, How Have You Been?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set Sept. 11th, 2011.

Cast of Characters:

     Lindsey-L

     Legolas- Lg

     Grace- G

Special Guests:

     Houdini- H

    

Geek-O-Rama: Episode 4- And We’re Probably About to Die. So, How Have You Been?

Lg: I hate you.

L: Haven’t we already started an episode with that?

Lg: No. We’ve started with ‘I am so mad at you right now’ and ‘This is all your fault,’ but no ‘I hate you.’ All three are true, by the way.

L: Aw, you’re just sulking because we’re trapped in an underground tunnel out of the prison, at a dead end because your warden lied to us about where the tunnel led, and probably about to get caught or suffocate.

Lg: Yeah. Yeah, that’s why I’m sulking. I’m so glad I hang out with such a perceptive person.

L: …Was that sarcasm?

G: And to top it all off, you decide to start recording an episode of this stupid show. Does the phrase ‘bad timing’ mean anything to you?

L: On the contrary, my dear Grace. This is perfect timing! Hello, and welcome to the fourth episode of Geek-O-Rama! Wow, four already. It feels like just a month ago we were doing the first one.

G: It was a month ago. And how is this-

L: Our theme this episode- escapology!

Lg: Oh, good grief.

G: How is this perfect timing for an episode?

L: Think about it! We need to give our devoted listeners an update on our current…situation. But we also need to make sure to keep up the humorous, informative and insightful tone of the show without rushing it. Since we’re pretty much stuck here-

Lg: Because you _blew up_ the way back.

L: I thought it’d stop people from following us. How was I supposed to know this was a dead end?

G: You could maybe not rely on a prison warden to give advice on how to escape.

L: Who would know the layout of the place better? And besides, I thought Legolas’ wiles had him convinced.

Lg: For the last time, I was _not_ flirting with him!

L: Legolas, he slipped you his cell phone number.

Lg: His cell what?

G: Oh that’s right, I guess they don’t have cell phones in Middle Earth.

L: Ya think?

Lg: What’s a cell phone?

G: It’s a telephone that you can carry around with you.

Lg: Oh.

L: Wait, shouldn’t you already know this? I mean, you’ve only been staying with me for, what, four years? Five?

Lg: Six. Six, long, hard, painful years of misery.

L: Yeah, we’ve had some good times, haven’t we?

Lg: *sigh*

G: This still doesn’t change the fact that we’re trapped in a dirt tunnel blocked from both sides just outside the prison walls.

L: Ah! That’s where our special guest comes in.

Lg: Special…guest?

G: Lindsey, what are you talking about?

L: I got a special guest to speak to us about escapology. Considered to be the expert in his field-

G: Lindsey, _we’re in a tunnel_. There’s no one else here.

Lg: Is this another recorded thing?

L: No, he’s really here! Now shush while I finish his introduction. Considered to be the expert in his field, this man has performed thousands of escapology events until his untimely death in 19- something-or-other.

G: Death…?

L: Ladies and gentlem- well, _ladies_.

Lg: Hey!

L: I’d like you to meet the man, the myth, the legend- Harry Houdini!

Lg: Aaaag!

G: Oh my _God_ , Lindsey!

L: Hey, don’t be rude! He told me he’s sensitive about his current state.

G: Lindsey, that’s a skeleton. Like, a real human skeleton.

L: Yes, I did notice that. I’m not blind, or anything. He’s very nice. Very polite, for someone who has no skin. Or internal organs. Or muscle. No wait, there’s some muscle hanging off his arm! Or that could be skin.

Lg: Stop waving that thing in my face!

G: Oh my _God_ , Lindsey!

L: That’s twice you’ve said that. Wanna say it again for an even three?

Lg: Three isn’t even.

L: Sure it is! The Rule of Three, the Holy Trinity…*singing* Three- is a magic number. Yes it is-

G: How- how did you even get that? Please tell me you didn’t kill someone just to get a skeleton.

L: Of course not, silly. If I did that, then he wouldn’t be Houdini. I found him in here, looking like he was scrambling desperately to get out.

G: Oh my _God_ , Lindsey.

L: Ah, there it is.

Lg: What makes you think this…thing is Houdini? I’m pretty sure he didn’t die escaping from this prison.

L: Why not? He did escape from a lot of prisons.

G: Not ones only built five years ago.

L: Oh. That is a point.

Lg: So how is this Houdini, then?

L: I never said the _skeleton_ was Houdini.

Lg: Yes, you-

L: Did not! He’s channeling the spirit of Houdini.

G: I thought you didn’t believe in séances or talking to ghosts.

L: I don’t, it’s a load of crap.

G: Then why-

L: Because it’s cool!

Lg: *sigh* Of course. How could we forget the Rule of Cool?

L: I know, right? Next to the Rule of Funny, it’s the most important rule in the world!

G: You know, this explains so, so much about you. I mean, almost everything.

Lg: And that, in itself, is terrifying.

G: You’re tellin’ me. You’ve only known her six years. I’ve known her since first grade.

Lg: I am so sorry.

L: Everyone’s a critic. C’mon, guys, let’s talk to the nice spirit-channeling skeleton.

G: I don’t believe this.

L: Believe it. Now shush. Oh great Houdini spirit, come hear us now. In habit this mortal skeleton and…um…do something.

Lg: What do you think, Grace, 7?

G: 6.5. A little shaky on the landing.

L: You guys never shut up, do you?

G: That’s why you love us.

L: Hm, we’ll see about that. So, Mr. Houdini, you’re a master at illusions and impossible escapes. Do you want to discuss one of your favorites that you’ve done?

H: …

G: This is really creepy.

Lg: It’s grinning at me…

L: Skeletons grin, Legolas. That’s what they do. They can’t really help it. Mr. Houdini, thank you for your answer. That was one of my favorites as well. Now what made you decide to go into your chosen field?

H: …

Lg: *to G* Is she really crazy enough to think he’s replying to her, or is she putting us on?

L: *loudly* A little bit of both, actually. Now do you mind?

Lg: Sorry.

L: Mr. Houdini, now on to the serious stuff. We are now attempting a prison escape like unto escaping from Azerkabaijaz-

G: Alcatraz, and not really. Alcatraz had more water.

L: -but we seem to find ourselves in a quandary which is in not any way my fault.

Lg: Sure, it wasn’t. You are completely blameless.

L: Now _that_ was sarcasm. It was very mean.

Lg: I’m sorry.

L: No, you’re not.

Lg: No, I’m not. You deserved it.

L: Hmmmmph. So, Mr. Houdini, do you have any advice for our situation?

H: …

Lg: …

G: …

L: Shut up, Grace.

G: What? I didn’t say anything.

L: You were thinking it.

G: You can’t read my thoughts, Lindsey. That’s impossible.

L: So’s a sixteen-year-old kidnapping the head of Crime Scene Investigation in New York, or three teenagers and an elf being in a prison for adults, or there being an actual tunnel under said prison. And I can so.

G: Prove it.

L: Right now you’re thinking you regret ever having met me, you think I ought to be committed, and you hope Legolas doesn’t find out about the packet of Thin Mints in your sweatshirt pocket.

Lg: What?

G: _Snap!_

Lg: How could you? I thought we were friends!

G: I’m sorry! I’m really, really sorry-

*bang! Clatter clatter clatter*

Lg: What was that?

G: It sounded like it came from above. Lindsey, did you hear- oh no.

L: What?

G: You’re grinning maniacally.

Lg: What have you done now?

L: Ladies, move to the sides of the tunnel, keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times, and be prepared to see how totally awesome your fearless leader is!

*kaSLAM! Clatter clatter clatter*

G: It’s Legolas’ warden!

Lg: He dug us out of the tunnel with a shovel!

L: Legolas, your talent for stating the obvious has never been more- well, obvious. But yes! It is true. I cleverly deduced that there would be a dead end and therefore asked Legolas’ warden to-

Warden: What? No, you didn’t. I just remembered the dead end and came out here. You didn’t say anything.

L: …Shut up, Legolas’ warden.

Warden: I have a name, you know.

L: Don’t care.

Warden: It’s Larry.

L: Still don’t care. Right, everybody ready to go?

Lg: Lindsey, you’re not bringing the skeleton along.

L: Aw, why not?

G: Because it’s gross.

H: Well, that’s a bit rude, isn’t it?

G & Lg: Eeeeeek!

L: Wait, don’t turn off the recording ye-

*END OF TAPE*


	5. There's No Place Like Home, Except Pretty Much Everywhere Else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set Sept. 19th, 2011.

Cast of Characters:

   Lindsey- L

   Legolas- Lg

   Grace- G

Special Guests:

   Maddie- M

   Papaw- P

   Doris- D

Geek-O-Rama: Episode 5- There’s No Place Like Home, Except Pretty Much Everywhere Else

L: Bob is a funny name. No, seriously, listen to it. Say it over and over again. Bob. Bob. Bobbobbobbobbobbo-

Lg: Lindsey, what on earth are you doing?

L: Stalling! One of the reasons Bob is such a funny name is that it’s a palindrome. Things are way more funny when they’re spelled the same way forwards and backwards. My name, for instance, spelled backwards is Yesdnil, and that’s not funny at all.

G: Does this have anything to do with anything?

L: Nope! Grace’s name spelled backwards is Ecarg, and that’s not funny at all either, and it’s also not as cool as Yesdnil.

G: Thanks.

L: I just report the facts, I don’t make them up.

Lg: *snort* Sure you don’t.

L: Now _Legolas’_ name spelled backwards is Salogel, which sounds like a cheap skin cream.

G: Now that’s funny. And very appropriate.

Lg: Oh shut up, both of you.

G: Hehehehehe.

L: Hello, and welcome to episode five of Geek-O-Rama! For those of you who are wondering what happened after last week’s episode-

G: Which is no one.

L: -Legolas will now give a quick recap before we go onto talking about this week’s theme which is, (ugh) family.

G: You’re really keen on avoiding this, aren’t you?

L: Yes. Yes I am. And so are you.

G: We- I- Yeah, I am.

Lg: Why do I have to do the recap?

L: It’s in the contract.

Lg: What contract? It’s a blank piece of paper.

L: Invisible ink.

Lg: I didn’t sign it.

L: I signed it for you.

Lg: That’s not-

G: Legolas, just do the stupid recap already so we can get this over with.

L: *snrrt* Salogel.

G: _Lindsey!_

Lg: Fine, I’ll do it. After the warden, whom I in no way flirted with or propositioned, thank you very much, dug us out and we convinced Lindsey to leave creepy talking skeleton guy with my- the warden, we went on our way.

L: That was an incredibly long run-on sentence.

Lg: Thank you. Anyway, all of us had stuff we left with Lindsey’s family at her grandfather’s place.

L: Papaw indulges me. I’m his favorite.

G: I’m sure. I mean, the crazy grandchild is always the favorite, right?

L: Exactly!

Lg: But we arrived here to find a pool party in full force with all of her family here. We’re now standing outside the gate looking pitiful.

L: I’m sure they’re mourning the fact that I was sent to prison.

G: Yes, that’s why they all look so happy and why there’s a sign that says ‘Thank God She’s Finally Out Of Our Hair.’

L: …They’re just in denial.

G: Well someone is.

Lg: Hey, isn’t that your cousin?

L: So it is. Hi, Maddie!

G: Oh no.

Lg: What?

G: Let’s just say Lindsey and Maddie are alike in more than looks.

M: Hey, guys! What are you doing here? I thought you were in prison.

L: Yeah, I was.

M: Oh no, you didn’t break out. Again.

Lg: Again?

G: Fifth grade. Cows. Long story.

Lg: Don’t ever tell me.

L: Yeah, well, I have unresolved business in Cardiff with one Ianto Jones.

M: Who?

L: Nevermind. How’s John?

M: Oh, he’s fine. Complaining a little. Something about ‘not having seen the sun in a year.’

L: Pffffft. They always do that.

Lg: Who’s John?

M: John Barrowman. He’s an actor. I kidnapped him about a year ago and now he lives in my basement.

Lg: So it runs in the family…

G: See? It’s terrifying!

M: Hey, I take care of him! I put a roof over his head, clothe him (occasionally) and feed him a steady diet of porn and Broadway musicals.

Lg: …

G: Okaaay…

M: He’s gay.

Lg: That’s nice.

G: You _would_ think so, Salogel.

Lg: What’s that supposed to-

L: Have you seen my parents around?

M: Um, I think your mom said something about a training run.

L: Oh yeah, the 200-miler in the Mojave Desert. That’s in Africa, right?

M: No, that’s another desert.

L: Dang. Norway?

M: Try a little closer to home.

L: …Vermont?

M: Forget it. And your dad called, he said he’d love to come but there’s supposed to be a storm coming on and he wants to see if he can weather it with just a tarp and his pocketknife.

L: Yup, that’s my dad. Always the survivalist. He once camped out during a blizzard, did you know? The snow was six feet high. He survived by sneaking up on a bear and skinning it to make a warmer tent, and then eating it for nourishment.

G: Don’t get distracted, Lindsey. Remember why you’re here.

L: Right. What about Papaw?

M: He’s inside expounding on the wonders of time near a black hole.

L: Again? Must have forgotten he’s told everyone twice already. Ah well, let’s go see ‘im. Come on, guys.

*sound of gate opening, footsteps, door opening*

L: Hey, Papaw! How’s tricks?

P: Weren’t you in prison?

L: They let me out for good behavior.

G & Lg: *snort*

L: Really. Can I have my stuff?

P: Okay, it’s down in the basement. You want anything to eat first? Doris spent all day cooking.

L: Yes, I can- I can see that.

G: Wow.

Lg: There isn’t a flat space not covered by food.

G: Now that I think of it, we haven’t eaten since we esc- were let out of prison.

Lg: Are there any Thin Mints?

D: Underneath the second meatloaf.

Lg: Awesome!

L: Sure, just leave me and go stuff your faces, that’s fine.

G & Lg: Okay!

L: No wait, I didn’t- I was just- *voice fading*

Lg: You think she noticed we took the recorder too?

G: If she did notice, she be right on us like a bat out of hell.

Lg: Good point. Now _I_ am going to get some Thin Mints. They’re calling my name. _Legolaaaaas…Legolaaaaaas…_

G: Fine, let’s go get your stupid cookies. Hey, Doris.

D: Hello, there. Are you hungry?

G: You have no idea.

Lg: That’s a, um…interesting dress you’re wearing ma’am.

D: Oh, you like it? It’s made out of playing cards. It’s for canasta tomorrow night.

G: It’s very…

D: Sorry, I have to go. The third turkey is about to come out of the oven. Eat up!

G: Southern Mother Syndrome.

Lg: Ah. Who…was that?

G: Step-grandmother.

Lg: With a dress made out of playing cards?

G: Step or not, she’s a part of the family. You’ve seen what Lindsey is like.

Lg: Good point.

G: And this is the mild side of the family. You should see her dad’s side.

Lg: I really don’t want that.

M: Hey, blondies! Enjoying yourselves?

Lg: If you can call it that.

M: Lindsey said she’d be up in just a minutes, she’s sacrificing a puppy to the god of travel.

G: And by sacrificing a puppy you mean…

M: Feeding it, scratching its ears and telling it what a good doggie it is.

G: I figured.

M: Say, Legolas…

Lg: Yes?

M: I was just wondering- could you maybe just stop by my house? Pay John a visit? Only sometimes he gets so lonely…

Lg: No.

M: Please? It would be very beneficial.

Lg: Please stop touching me.

L: Watch it, Mads, I’m the only one allowed to molest the elf.

Lg: _No one_ is allowed to molest the elf.

M: Don’t call me Mads.

L: Why not, will you call up a big bruiser named Bob to beat the bejeezus out of us? In a highly alliterative fashion?

M: No, why?

L: Just seems the thing to do these days.

M: Whatever. I have to go, John’s probably getting hungry, and now’s just about the time when he starts screaming ‘Why’ up at the ceiling. See ya.

L: Bye. Okay, guys, you ready?

G: _Finally!_

Lg: Yes, get us out of here now.

L: What happened?

Lg: You saw what happened.

G: It was horrible, in a kind of hilarious way.

L: Knowing my family you’re lucky that was it. Now let’s get out of here, I’m starting to act normal and it’s giving me the wiggins.

G: Normal?

Lg: You?

L: It’s so cute the way you guy are so attuned to each other. It’s like an old married couple.

G: It’s solidarity in insanity. I repeat our question- Normal? You?

L: With all the craziness here I become the straight man. Like I said, it’s a weird feeling. Can we go?

Lg: You got our stuff?

L: You sound like a drug junkie from the movies. And yes, I do. For Salogel- fifteen types of hair product, bow and arrows, a pack of lembas bread and twenty packs of Thin Mints.

Lg: All the essentials. And don’t call me that.

L: And for Grace- change of clothes, toothbrush and toothpaste, cell phone, map and three books: _How to React When Everyone Around You Is Crazy, Recovering You Inner Serendipity,_ and _Why It’s a Bad Idea to Go Crazy and Shoot Things Even Though Your Best Friend’s a Psychopath_. Huh, that’s…oddly specific.

G: You guys don’t know how lucky you are that I have these books.

L: I’ll take your word for it. As for me- a yellow ballon, six red crayons, 110 feet of rope, ten CDs without a player, four pairs of sunglasses, three dog collars and a partridge in a pear tree.

G: It’s a little early for Christmas references, isn’t it?

L: No, I mean a literal partridge in a literal pear tree. Look.

Lg: You really should’ve figured that.

G: Yeah, I should’ve.

L: Okay! Now that we’re all packed- To Cardiff!

Lg: We don’t even have a car. We got here by hitch-hiking.

G: Boy was that interesting.

L: Not a problem. I pick pocketed Papaw’s keys.

G: You’re going to steal his _car?!_

D: What?

P: What?

M: Awesome!

L: Nice going, big mouth.

G: Shut up.

Lg: Never mind that, move!

G: They’re old, how fast can they be anyway?

L: Well, since Papaw is now outside gearing up the fancy tractor to chase us down, I’d say pretty darn.

G: Why didn’t he just go lock up his car?

L: He’s a scientist. The most direct route is not always the most obvious one to him. And anyway, I’m stealing his truck. He can keep the car.

D: I’m afraid you’ll have to get through me first.

L: Now, Doris-

Lg: Ma’am, I don’t want to hurt you-

G: What’s she doing with those playing cards?

L: I think we’re about to find out.

Lg: Ow! She’s _throwing_ them at me!

L: Like ninja stars! Cool! I mean, RUN!

M: Keep running, you three, you’re doing great! Go, Team Geek! Go, Team Geek!

L: Shaddup, Mads.

G: It’s really awkward running with this recorder in my hand.

Lg: So turn it off and shove it in your pocket.

L: Aw c’mon, don’t-

*END OF TAPE*


	6. '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall' Gets Repetitive At 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our heroes take a road trip, Legolas loses his mind completely, and they run into some old friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set Sept. 25th, 2011.

Cast of Characters:

   Lindsey- L

   Legolas- Lg

   Grace- G

With Special Surprise Guests

 

Geek-O-Rama: Episode 6- ’99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall’ Gets Repetitive at 57

G: I have come to a conclusion.

L: What’s that?

G: You’re crazy. You’re nuts, you’re insane, you’re off your rocker- however you want to say it, you belong in a rubber room.

L: I don’t want to say anything of the sort. And you’ve known me for ten years, you know that already.

G: Yes, but every time I think I’ve gotten used to it you do something that tops the scale again.

L: Awesome! Just what every artist needs to hear- that they keep improving.

Lg: Improving is not the word.

G: Did I say you could talk? I’m still mad at you, pointy-ears.

Lg: I still think I did the right thing.

L: Legolas, you burned the map. Even I know that’s a bad thing to do, and I burned down a school building once.

Lg: What? Why?

L: _Buffy_ did it.

G: Buffy did it to fight vampires. You did it because you like burning things. And how is burning our only means of navigation in any way the right thing to do?

Lg: You said we needed fuel for the fire. I gave you fuel. And besides, it’s not our only navigation. I can track.

G: In a car?

Lg: I’ll have you know-

L: Guys, don’t make me be the sensible one. I don’t like it. It gives me weird feeling in uncomfortable places.

G: That was entirely too much information.

Lg: Don’t worry, you’re back to being the crazy one.

L: Oh, good! I feel better now. Though I kind of have to pee…

G: We just stopped five minutes ago!

L: Meh, I can hold it. Anyway, hello and welcome to episode six of Geek-O-Rama! Our theme this episode is backstory, but before we get to that, Legolas will give us a recap!

Lg: So, is this going to be a regular feature or something?

L: Well, since our lives are now so action-apcked and interesting, and since you guys keep turning off the recorder at inopportune moments- you guys really need to stop doing that, by the way, I have these great closing remarks that I keep meaning to say but nooooo-

G: Focus.

L: Right. My point is, yes, it’s going to be a regular feature. Get used to it.

Lg: But why me?

L: Why not?

G: I have to ask- why now? I mean, it might have been useful for the third or fourth episode.

L: I hadn’t thought of it then.

G: Oh. That was a remarkably simple answer for you.

L: Thank you. Take it away, Legolas!

Lg: *sigh* Fine. After we managed to not get killed by Lindsey’s grandparents, we stole her grandfather’s truck and are now driving around aimlessly trying to get to Cardiff.

G: It’s a stupid idea.

L: Why? Don’t you want to find Ianto?

G: First off, I don’t care about this Yan-guy at all, and second, _you’re trying to drive to Cardiff_.

L: What’s wrong with that? And technically you’re the one trying to drive to Cardiff, since you’re the one at the wheel.

G: Cardiff is across _the ocean_. You can’t drive across the ocean.

L: Sure you can! It’s easy.

Lg: Do you even know where Cardiff is?

L: Sure I do! It’s in Wales.

G: And do you know where Wales is?

L: …China?

G: No.

L: Japan?

G: No.

L: India?

G: _No_. The point is, none of us have any idea where we’re going, we’re driving in the back end of nowhere, and Legolas burned the map. It’s hopeless.

L: Nothing is without hope, my friend, if we believe in ourselves and each other! I got that from a fortune cookie. Except for the ‘my friend’ part. I added that.

G: Thank you for clarifying.

L: You’re welcome.

Lg: Wasn’t there a theme somewhere? Or did I hallucinate that?

L: Why would you think you hallucinated it?

Lg: Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between my imagination and reality. For instance, there’s an elephant standing by the side of the road.

L: …

Lg: …

G: I’m surrounded by crazy people.

L: You know, I think that really is an elephant.

G: That’s a tree, guys.

L: Maybe it’s an elephant that just looks like a tree.

G: How does an elephant- never mind, let’s just move on. What’s the theme again?

L: Backstory.

Lg: Backstory? I know this is a stupid question concerning you, but why?

L: What do people do on road trips?

G: You sing ’99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall’ for hourse on end, eat an obscene amount of potato chips and play obnoxiously loud music.

L: Besides that.

Lg: I’m stumped. Like the stump in the middle of the car.

G: That’s the console, Legolas.

Lg: I’m out of Thin Mints. It does weird things to me.

L: What people do on road trips is tell long, rambling stories on how they met.

G: I’ve never heard of anyone doing that ever.

L: Well, they do. I’m sure of it. Also, I’m sure our loyal listeners want to know how we all met and started this crazy venture.

Lg: ‘Crazy’ is the word.

G: What listeners?

L: So, who wants to start?

G: Go ahead, Lindsey. You’re the only one who cares about this anyway.

L: Awesome! Okay, I’ll start with how Grace and I met.

G: Oh, wonderful.

L: So, on the first day of first grade, Grace and I were in the same class. She seemed like an interesting person, so I introduced myself.

G: She stole my stuff and pushed me down the stairs.

L: After a brief respite at the nurse’s, she was drawn to my sparkling personality and sought me out.

G: I called her out at recess and punched her in the face. Then we both got detention.

L: And it was during detention that we formed our deep bonds of friendship that have held us for so many years of bliss.

G: It’s been hell.

Lg: That’s almost as bad as mine.

G: What happened? I never quite got the full story about that.

Lg: I’m still not entirely sure. All I remember is waking up in her room. She was stroking my face and saying how much prettier I was in three dimensions.

G: Yeah, she used to have a cardboard cutout of you. It used to freak me out. What ever happened to that thing anyway?

L: Hm? Oh, I threw it out. Didn’t need it anymore. Now, we’ve had backstory for me, Grace and Legolas. Next up is obviously backstory for the show!

Lg: Oh, the bloody show. Occasionally literally.

G: I can’t wait to hear this.

L: I started the show to make a name for myself. I wanted to be famous, I wanted to be somebody, I wanted to have a TV Tropes page!

G: Lofty goals.

L: Indeed, my friend, indeed. So, I gathered up Grace, Legolas and three other friends and made a first episode. After which, two of them left and one mysteriously disappeared.

Lg: What _did_ happen to- what was her name, Dana?

G: As far as I can remember, she was just as crazy as you.

L: …You really don’t want to know. So that’s it, then. That’s all the backstory.

G: That’s it?

L: Yup. It didn’t take as long as I expected. Actually, now I _really_ have to pee. Can we stop somewhere?

Lg: We could stop at the Taj Mahal that’s ahead of us on the road.

G: Legolas, that’s a gas station.

L: Close enough. Can we stop?

G: *sigh* Fine.

*sound of car stopping, doors opening*

L: Oh look, locals! How interesting! You guys go interview them while I tinkle.

G: Thanks.

Lg: Well, there she goes. I should have told her to go get me some Thin Mints while she’s in the store.

G: You could go get them yourself.

Lg: I don’t have any money, and people look at my ears funny.

G: Here’s twenty bucks and a hat. Go knock yourself out.

Lg: Sweet! Thanks.

G: And now it’s just me, by myself. The lone sane person in the group. How depressing. Oh well, better see what ‘the locals’ have to say. Hey, guys.

Gas-Station Guy #1: Hey

Gas-Station Guy #2: *grunt*

G: Um, would you happen to know where we are by any chance?

GSG#1: Yup, we’re right smack-dab in the middle of the Mojave desert.

GSG#2: *grunt*

G: Oh. I guess that explains why we saw Lindsey’s mom running on the side of the road earlier. Do you know how to get to Cardiff from here?

GSG#2: *grunt*?

GSG#1: Cardiff? Where the hell is Cardiff?

G: It’s in Wales.

GSG#1: Wales? Where the hell is Wales?

G: *sigh* Forget it. Thank you for your help.

L: I’m back! Did you miss me? Legolas is coming, he’s dueling the coffee machine.

G: Do I want to know why?

L: He thinks it’s a Balrog. Oh, hello! You must be our special guests. You look kind of familiar for some reason… it’s probably nothing. Now, I want your name, address, occupation and entire life story. It’s for a radio show.

GSG#1: Wow, that’s a coincidence. You see, my friend Bob and I are looking for some people who are also doing a radio show.

GSG#2/B: *grunt* Mrrgh.

G: Suddenly I’m getting a very bad feeling about this.

L: And why are you looking for these people?

GSG#1: You see, my name is Xavier, and I hate it when people shorten my name to Xav. It really irks me. The leader of the group called me that, and so I’m hunting her down.

L: Um.

G: Would-would you recognize these people if you saw them again?

GSG#1/X: Probably not the girls. For all their eccentricities, they were pretty ordinary-looking.

L: Hmmph.

G: *muttered* _Their_ eccentricities?

B: Mrrrgh.

X: But the guy…he was funny-looking. All tall and long blonde hair and weird ears. He had an odd name, too. What was it?

L: Um.

X: Legoes- no, it was something like Legless…

Lg: Forsooth! I hath slain the beast! Also I got all their Thin Mints and another map.

L: Legolas, shut _up_.

X: *gasp* IT’S YOU!

Lg: What?

L: Crap!

G: _Run_!

X: Get ‘em, Bob! Break their backs!

B: Mrrrgh.

L: Get in the car and go!

*sound of doors slamming, tires squealing*

L: Whew, that was close.

G: Why do I always get into these situations with you?

Lg: What just happened?

L: And look, the recorder is still on! Now I can do a proper concl-

*END OF TAPE- OUT OF BATTERY*


	7. The Slightly Befuddled Tourists Is a Terrible Band Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our heroes investigate a voodoo curse and almost get killed in the process, and Lindsey attempts an inspirational speech.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set Oct. 2, 2011.

Cast of Characters:

   Lindsey- L

   Legolas- Lg

   Grace- G

Special Guests:

   Shop-keeper- S

   Arinda- A

 

Geek-O-Rama: Episode 7- _The Slightly Befuddled Tourists_ Is a Terrible Band Name

L: See, I told you I’d get us across the ocean. You should trust me more.

Lg: You hijacked a freighter. Trust does not enter into this equation anywhere.

L: Details, details. I got us here, didn’t I? Smell that sweet Cardiff air!

G: Lindsey, we’re in Cairo.

L: What?

G: Cairo. Egypt. Not Cardiff.

L:…Well, it’s just a few letters difference. Close enough.

Lg: A few letters and a continent. Not close enough.

L: Well, how long will it take to get to Cardiff from here?

G: A while. And we’ll have to go through customs, which will be difficult considering the dead sheep you stuffed in the back.

L: It seemed like a good idea at the time. Oh well, we’ll get there when we get there.

Lg: What does that even mean?

L: Hello, and welcome to episode seven of Geek-O-Rama! Wow, I usually never get to the seventh part of anything! I usually get stuck at three. But I guess since this is so much fun to make…

G: Fun?

L: Our theme this episode was supposed to be ‘successful traveling’ and I was going to gloat about how awesome I am, but you guys probably won’t let that happen now-

Lg: Darn straight.

L: -we’ll just have to think of another one. Come on, let’s walk around the marketplace while Legolas gives the recap.

Lg: Is there really a point? We’ve already covered everything there is to know in the conversation.

L: Consistency is everything in this business. I’m not going to not do the recap right after the episode where we decided it would be a steady feature. It would be unprofessional.

G: I think we passed the barrier of unprofessional a long time ago. In fact, I think we barreled through it at a hundred miles per hour and are now screaming down the dark, lonely road towards completely insane.

L: Your metaphor needs a little work.

G: But fortunately for me, you keep giving me so much material to work with. So much.

L: Too true. I hope you appreciate it.

G: ‘Appreciate’ is not the word.

Lg: Let’s just get this over with. The sooner we finish this episode, the sooner we can start _actually_ getting to Cardiff.

L: I still say I was close.

Lg: Not. Even. Anyway, after we escaped the scary guys from the prison and I stopped hallucinating, we drove around until we reached a coast. There, Lindsey hijacked a freighter with an empty box of Thin Mints (I wouldn’t let her use a full one), and instructed the crew to take us to Cardiff. Somehow, we ended up in a marketplace in Cairo. I’m still not entirely sure how that happened.

L: Are you guys sure that we’re not in Cardiff?

Lg: Cardiff is a lot less hot.

G: And Cardiff people don’t where tunics and sandals, and don’t speak in Arabic, and it isn’t 110 degrees in the shade, and doesn’t sell postcards of the pyramids and Sphinx at every street corner.

L: How do you know? Have you ever been to Cardiff before?

G: Just call it women’s intuition.

L: I suppose the same could go for Legolas, as well.

Lg: Hey!

L: Oh look, that looks like a theme!

G: What, do they have stalls that sell themes for criminal radio hosts?

L: No, an occult stand. Our theme could be voodoo!

Lg: Notice how she didn’t deny the criminal part?

L: I ignore everything that doesn’t benefit me. It’ll go away eventually.

G: Criminal charges don’t just ‘go away’, Lindsey.

L: Ever heard of a Statute of Limitations? Now shush, I’m busy. Hello, good sir! What are these items for sale here?

S: *speaking in Arabic*

L: Hm. I suppose my first question should have been “Do you speak English?”

A: He does, he just doesn’t like to.

G: Who are you?

L: Grace, don’t be rude. Who the heck are you?

A: My name is Arinda. I’m his daughter, and I manage the shop.

L: Wonderful! Maybe you can answer a few questions for us. It’s for a radio show.

A: Oh wow, I’d love to! Ask whatever you want.

G: Look at that, she thinks we’re legitimate.

Lg: She’ll soon learn.

L: Ignore them, they think they’re funny. So, Miss Arinda, what’s the reason for an occult shop?

A: My father and I have always had an interest in curses and the occult. He’s been collecting these kinds of artifacts his whole life, and so we decided to set up a shop.

L: That’s really interesting.

Lg: It is?

L: Legolas, be polite! Now let’s move on to the less mind-numbingly boring stuff.  What’s this thing here?

A: That’s a statue of the sun god Ra. There’s a rumor of a curse attached to it.

L: Now _that_ sounds interesting. What’s the curse?

A: The curse says that if anyone steals it, they will have their life threatened three times. If they survive all three times, then they were meant to have it.

L: Really? Hmmm……

G: Lindsey, no.

Lg: It’s a bad idea. Really, really bad. Don’t do it.

L: Let’s try it!

G: Oh, _great_.

A: What- hey, come back!

*sound of running feet, panting*

L: Okay, I don’t think anyone’s coming after us, we’re good.

G: What is wrong with you?

Lg: I can’t believe you did that. No…actually I can, _why_ do you keep doing stuff like this?

L: I do it for the show! People want to be entertained, don’t they?

G: Lindsey, you’re living in a dream world. Listen carefully to me. No. One. Is. Listening. No one cares. You’re talking about a nonexistent audience. You’ve been arrested for a nonexistent audience who, even if they did exist, wouldn’t want to listen to the adventures of some crazy chick and her hapless associates. It’s pointless.

L: Do you know why people still act on stage?

 G: What?

L: In the midst of economic troubles, when most people go to movies instead, and when they’d get more money and fame doing something else, why do you think they still do stage-acting?

G: What does this have to do with-

L: It’s because they love it. They love what they do, and if they can entertain an audience, or even one person, just one person, then it’s worth it. That’s all I ask for. Just one person.

G: …Wow. Okay.

L: And a Tv Tropes page.

Lg: That was really ins-

L: And I wouldn’t say no to a pile of money. Or a sports car. Or David Tennant with a big red bow tied around him delivered to my doorstep.

G: Don’t spoil your one good speech, Lindsey.

L: Sorry. So, we good?

G: Yeah, we’re good.

L: Awesome. So, what do you guys think about this curse?

G: I think it’s a load of hooey. Nothing is going to happen.

Lg: Wait, that’s it? You guys just…made up?

L: This happens a lot. Like, once every few years. She gets mad at all the crazy, then I give an inspirational speech and we’re good again.

G: I remember I didn’t speak to you for the entire second half of fifth grade because of the cows thing.

L: I finally had to win you back with a speech about…wasn’t it cheese?

G: Yeah, I think so. Swiss.

Lg: I’m never going to learn about the cows thing, am I?

G: No.

L: It shall forever remain a Noodle Incident.

Lg: A what?

L: It’s a trope. The name just comes from Calvin and Hobbes. Although there were an awful lot of noodles involved…

G: There was an _obscene_ amount of noodles involved.

Lg: Um…

L: Anyway, about this curse. Legolas, what do you-

Lg: Hold on, do you guys hear that?

L: Hear what?

Lg: It sounded like rocks clattering.

G: I don’t hear-

Lg: MOVE!

*sound of rocks crashing*

G: Whew, that was close.

Lg: You’re welcome.

L: So the moral of this story is, ‘When you steal a cursed artifact, make sure to bring an elf with you who will hear rocks falling just in time to push you out of the way so they don’t fall on your head.’

G: Or it could just be ‘don’t steal cursed artifacts.’ Not that I think it was that anyway.

Lg: How could it not be? We’re in the middle of bustling modern Cairo. Where would a large pile of rocks come from, anyway?

G: Lots of places. None of which I can think of at the moments, but…

Lg: Look, I come from a world that has magic as an everyday thing. I know that small objects can be deadly. Heck, I marched across the country and fought a war just so some short people could drop a ring in a volcano.

L: I think it was a little more complicated than that, Salogel.

Lg: If it was, I didn’t notice. I was too busy palling around with another short person. An _ugly_ short person. You heard me, Gimli. I hope you’re listening to this. Give me my hair gel back. You don’t know who I killed to get that.

G: I think we’ve gotten horrifically side-tracked. There was a point in there somewhere.

Lg: Right. My point is, I’m used to small objects that bring death to whoever possesses them. What I’ll never get used to, however, is the morons who steal them in the first place.

L: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

G: What, like the dead sheep?

L: The dead sheep was _brilliant_. Cops never bother a truck with a dead sheep in the back.

Lg: I don’t know what scares me more, the fact that you actually think that-

G: Or the fact that you probably know that from experience.

L: There you go, finishing each others’ sentences again. It’s so cute.

Lg: The situation remains that we’re going to die if we don’t return that artifact.

L: Relax, this is a filler episode. No main characters die in filler episodes. The most they’ll do is stick in something that will show up at an integral time in the climax. But now that I’ve said that, it would be incredibly ironic, so maybe not.

Lg: …Filler episode?

L: That an episode where nothing important to the main plot happens. Naruto had a lot of them.

G: Na-who-to?

L: Forget it. Anyway, we’ll be fine.

G: Watch out for that truck!

*HONK HONK VROOOOooooom*

L: Okay, now that was ironic.

G: And crazy.

Lg: I noticed that in your little “inspirational speech” earlier, you didn’t refute what Grace said about no one wanting to listen to a crazy person.

L: That’s a whole different speech altogether, and we’ve had quite enough people going on and on in this episode already. I’ll do it in the tenth episode.

G: Oh, really?

L: Yup. So make sure you’re around then.

G: Where else would I be?

L: Good point. You too, Legolas.

Lg: What I’m concerned about is this curse.

L: Tch, you have such a one-track mind. I told you, it’s okay. We only have one more death threat anyway, we’ll be fi- *kssssscccchhhhhkkkk*

*END OF TAPE*


	8. Never Bring Up Religion, Politics or Pokemon at a Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our heroes discuss a controversial subject, the fourth wall is nudged, and there is a lame Monty Python reference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set Oct. 9th, 2011.

Cast of Characters:

     Lindsey-L

     Legolas- Lg

     Grace- G

 

Geek-O-Rama: Episode 8- Never Bring Up Religion, Politics or Pokemon at a Party

L: Ah, Cardiff! What a beautiful place. Man, I’m glad we finally got here. It’s taken us through thick and thin, but-

G: Lindsey, we’re still not in Cardiff.

L: Wait, we’re not?

Lg: No. We’re in Rome.

L:…Rome?

G: In Italy. Still not Cardiff.

L: But we’re close, right?

Lg: Well, at least we’re on the right continent now.

L: Awesome! How’d you guys know we were in Rome?

G: Lindsey, we’re standing in front of the Coliseum. You took Latin for five years, you should know this.

L: I mostly zoned out during that class. Doodled David Tennant in a toga a lot. It was awesome.

G: But you got a 4 on the Latin Advanced Placement exam.

L: I guessed most of it. It was pretty easy.

G: No, it wasn’t.

Lg: She’s an idiot savante…

G: That’s terrifying.

L: Hey, isn’t Rome the place where that one guy lives?

Lg: There are a lot of guys who live in Rome.

L: You would know.

Lg: Would you _stop?!_

G: Wait, I don’t get it.

L: Never mind. But the guy, you know, the famous one?

G: You’re going to have to be a lot more specific.

L: You know, with the funny hat. Grace, you’re Catholic, you should know this.

G: You mean the Pope? In the Vatican?

L: That’s the guy! We should go visit him.

G: You can’t just visit the Pope. The man has his own bulletproof car, for crying out loud!

Lg: Wait, really? He’s got his own bulletproof car?

G: Yeah, it’s called the Popemobile.

Lg: You’re joking.

G: Well, he’s the head of a major religion. It makes sense.

L: This is totally awesome. We should _definitely_ go visit him now.

G: I just told you, you can’t-

L: Hello, and welcome to episode eight of Geek-O-Rama! Technical difficulties aside, we are slowly but surely making our way to Cardiff. Our theme this episode is- hmm, I was planning on ‘final destination’, but since we’re not in Cardiff yet…

G: How about history? There’s certainly a lot of it here in Rome. We could go see the forum, go into the Coliseum-

L: I’ve got it!

G: *sigh* What?

L: Religion! One of those controversial hot-button topics that everybody wants to hear on their radio!

Lg: I’m from another world, and even I know that’s a bad idea.

G: Of course, it doesn’t really matter since no one is listening to this anyway.

L: Do you want me to give the ‘just one person’ speech again?

G: No, no. I’ll deal. It’s fine.

L: You sure?

G: Yeah, it’s cool. We resolved all that last episode anyway.

L: Alright, if you’re sure…Anyway, here’s Legolas to give us the recap!

Lg: Do I have to?

L: Yes.

Lg: I don’t wanna.

L: Just do it, or no more Thin Mints until we reach Cardiff. Which is whenever we’re done with the filler episodes.

Lg: *gasp* You wouldn’t.

L: I would.

G: You know she would.

Lg: Fine. As you, the hypothetical, nonexistent listener are probably wondering, the final death threat in the previous episode was a falling anvil. Lindsey pushed us all out of the way of that, but it crushed the recorder. After this, Lindsey concluded that she was the rightful owner of the statue, and then proceeded to toss it in the back of the truck with the dead sheep.

L: If it’s not trying to kill me, then it’s not interesting anymore.

G: You know, every time you give out an insight like that into your character I die a little inside.

L: I’m going to take that as a compliment.

G: It wasn’t meant as one.

L: I know. Continue, my friend.

Lg: We headed out of Cairo, making our way to Cardiff through highly, highly illegal means. I would go into more detail, but I think everyone involved would rather we keep the rating of the show at PG. Yes, it was that bad.

G: It was horrible.

L: Especially the snake incident.

G: Please don’t mention that ever again.

L: But whenever I mention snakes now you twitch. It’s funny.

G: I hate you.

L: I love you too.

Lg: And thus we ended up here in Rome, which Lindsey mistook for Cardiff somehow.

L: It was an honest mistake. And now we can see the Pope! Which brings us to our topic.

G: Can we at least walk around while we talk? I’ve never been to Rome before.

L: Ooh, let’s go to the Trevi fountain! I remember that from when I was last here.

G: When was that? I don’t remember you ever going to Italy.

L: Kindergarten. Pre-Grace.

G: Ah yes, those blissful times…but what’s so great about a fountain?

L: You’ll see. Alright, let’s walk and talk. Legolas, tell us about your religion.

Lg: The religion of the elves is a long and varied tradition spanning back-

L: Bo-ring. Grace, how about you?

G: Well…I’m Catholic.

L: Yes, I know. We established that. Anything else?

G: I go to a Catholic school.

L: After you _abandoned_ me and _moved_.

G: Technically speaking, that was your fault.

L: My fault?

G: Your fault.

Lg: Gee, what a surprise.

L: I’m sensing sarcasm again. It hurts my feelings.

Lg: Does it look like I care?

G: Do you remember what happened right before we moved?

L: …Was it the kidnapping Bob thing?

G: No. That was a few months before. Fortunately, my parents still don’t know about that.

Lg: Wait, right before you moved, wasn’t that the bus-jacking?

G: Yup.

L: What bus-jacking?

Lg: Your bus-jacking.

L: I hijacked a bus?

G: Yes. A school bus.

L: Why don’t I remember this?

G: You don’t remember much. Occasionally you even forget who we are.

L: Who are you again?

G: …

L: Hahaha, just kidding! So, the bus-jacking was the reason you moved?

G: It was more the straw that broke the camel’s back.

L: I’m so proud. I’ve never broken a camel’s back before. *long pause* Hmmmm…..

G: Don’t even think about it, Lindsey.

Lg: So what about your religion?

L: Hm?

Lg: Well, we’ve talked about ours, why don’t you tell me about yours? I know you’re a Christian, what denomination are you?

L: Oh, umm- I wasn’t going to mention that.

G: Why not?

L: Look, if you’re putting anything on the Internet that you want to be popular, you can’t say anything positive about Christians. You can make fun of them, or not mention them at all, but you can’t portray Christians in a positive, encouraging light. Not on the ‘Net.

Lg: Here she goes, lecturing again.

L: See, the popular view of Christians is that they’re all hypocritical, racist, inflexible jerks. While there are a great many “Christians” that are like that, they almost never show the kind, giving, really-kind-of-awesome Christians. So, even though I’m a very strong Christians and very active in my church, I’m not going to go into detail about it.

Lg: Except for the five minutes just spent going into details about it.

L: Well, yeah. That was just a peremptory warning.

G: So, that’s it, then.

L: That’s what, then?

G: You’re just going to abandon your principles for a radio show that no one listens to.

L: Abandonment is such a harsh word. I prefer “mutually amicable separation for the duration.”

G: That’s what I’m talking about! These are serious situations you’re getting us into, Lindsey. Don’t you realize the consequences of what you do? Not just prison, we could get _killed_. Do you even care?

L: Does it look like I care? (Wait, didn’t Legolas say that a little while ago? Have we stooped so low as to repeat ourselves?)

G: You don’t even care about the consequences for Legolas and I, do you? We’re just props in your delusional little fantasy.

Lg: Um…okay, can we-

L: That’s what I’m trying to say- _there are no consequences_. No permanent ones, anyway. But every time I try to tell you the reason, you just forget. I feel like Deadpool.

Lg: Who?

G: What?

L: See? I’ve given up on trying to explain it.

G: Well, fine. If you can give up on something, then so can I. Because there is no ‘just one person’ listening to this, and I’m not going to get myself killed for people who don’t even exist.

L: What?

Lg: Oh no…

G: I’ll spell it out in simple terms: I’m. Leaving. And I’m taking the truck.

L: *gasp* Not the truck!

Lg: You’re going to leave me _alone_ with her?

L: Are you going to take the sheep too?

Lg: Lindsey, there are more important things going on than a dead sheep.

L: Nothing is more important than a dead sheep. And I’d better have that cursed thing, too. I don’t want you to die. Most of the time.

Lg: You’re not really helping your case. Grace, don’t leave. I think my Thin Mints are in there.

L: Oh yeah, that really helps. Hey, if you’re taking the truck, could you water the pear tree?

Lg: What happened to the partridge?

L: I think it died.

Lg: You think?

L: Well, I took it to the shop, but they were very insistent that that it wasn’t dead, so…

Lg: …

G: …

L: That Monty Python reference probably would have worked better if it had been a parrot.

Lg: And if the shop weren’t on the other side of the Atlantic.

G: Okay, you guys seem to have it all under control. Here’s your sheep and your Thin Mints. Have a nice life.

*sound of door slamming, tires squealing*

L: Is it just me, or is she acting a little out of character?

Lg: Getting mad at you for being ridiculous and insane? Gee, no, she’s _never_ done that.

L: But she wouldn’t just leave. Contrary to popular belief, I do know my best friend, and she wouldn’t just take off. Something very fishy is going on here…Oh hey, Trevi fountain!

Lg: Clearly this situation is really bothering you.

L: What, the Trevi fountain? Oh no, I find it quite soothing.

Lg: *sigh* Never mind.

L: If you’re talking about the Grace thing-

Lg: How flattering.

L: She knows I love ‘er. Anyway, it’s cool. This is just a dramatic twist of events to propel us into the climax. She’ll come back again during the big reveal of the next episode.

Lg: How do you know that?

L: I read the author’s plot summary.

Lg: The what?

L: Forget it. You already have, anyway. But the point is, it’s fine. Grace will be back soon. Ish. Soonish. What I’m really worried about, though, is the cursed thing. I know it’s significant somehow, and since Grace just took it with her…

Lg: I’m sure it’ll show up eventually.

L: Yes, in some highly ironic and hilarious way, I’m su-

*dull thud*

Lg: Lindsey? Are you all right? In an oddly coincidental accident, Grace threw the cursed object out the truck window and it hit you in the head. Either it’s blind luck, or she’s an incredibly good shot. Almost as good as me. Also, you’ve collapsed.

L: …

Lg: Wow, I really do state the obvious, don’t I?

L: …

Lg: Lindsey?

L: …

Lg: I think she’s unconscious.

L: …

Lg: I wonder if she’s hiding any Thin Mints in her pockets…

*END OF TA-*

 **That’s for looking at my plot summary. Loser.**

*END OF TAPE*


	9. This Title Has Nothing to Do With the Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which two-thirds of our heroic group finally reach Cardiff, confuse a semi-professional alien-hunting team, and make numerous references to Tv Tropes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set Oct. 16th, 2011.

Cast Of Characters:

     Lindsey- L

     Legolas- Lg

     Grace- G

Special Guests:

     Jack Harkness- J

     Gwen Cooper- Gw

 

Geek-O-Rama: Episode 9- This Title Has Nothing To Do With The Story

L: Are we in Cardiff yet?

Lg: Yes.

L: Are we in Cardiff _now_?

Lg: Wha- I just said we are!

L: How about now?

Lg: Yes, we are now in Cardiff. We are in the middle of Cardiff. Right now. At this very moment, we are in Cardiff.

L: Oh…Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?

Lg: *sigh* So, did you tell this Captain Harkness that we’d be coming, or did you just expect him to welcome us with open arms?

L: That would be silly, of course I called first.

Lg: Yes, because you never, ever do silly things. You are the epitome of rationality.

L: Okay, I’m setting up a sarcasm box. Every time I sense sarcasm, you give me a quarter.

Lg: If it’s just when you sense it, I should be safe, then.

L: That’ll be twenty-five cents, please.

Lg: Dang. *sigh. again*

L: You know, there’s a saying that if you sigh too much, you blow all your happiness away.

Lg: I’ve never heard that saying.

L: I think I read it in a manga somewhere.

Lg: Yes, because we should always listen to a country that thinks giant robots, unnaturally large eyes and oddly-decorated vehicles are the bee’s knees.

L: Japan is _awesome_. I want to live there.

Lg: Figures.

L: Also you owe me another quarter.

Lg: I really wish Grace were here.

L: Who?

Lg:…Grace. Your best friend since first grade.

L: …

Lg: She took the truck and left last episode. And hit you on the head with a cursed artifact with a rather coincidental throw.

L: Oh, _that_ Grace. I totally knew that.

Lg: Of course you did.

L: Twenty-five cents and yes, I did. I miss her too. For one thing, she isn’t as snide as you are.

Lg: I try.

L: Yes, you do. But like I said, I’m pretty sure she’s coming back at the end of this episode.

Lg: How do you know that?

L: I read the plot summary.

Lg: The what?

L: The plot summary.

Lg: The what?

L: The plot summary.

Lg: The what?

L: Hello, and welcome to episode nine of Geek-O-Rama! Things are heating up to a climax as we finally reach Cardiff and eagerly await meeting the Torchwood team.

Lg: You eagerly await. I’m here under protest and because I don’t have anywhere else to go.

L: Unfortunately we are short one member, as Grace had decided to _abandon_ us in favor of a boring, meaningless existence in the trappings of everyday life.

Lg: …

L: I’M SORRY, GRACE, I DIDN’T MEAN IT I LOVE YOU! YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND!

Lg: Hey!

L: YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND THAT ACTUALLY EXISTS AND ISN’T FICTIONAL. I PROMISE I’LL BE GOOD!

Lg: No, you won’t.

L: No, I won’t. I PROMISE TO TRY TO BE GOOD!

Lg: No, you don’t.

L: No, I don’t. I PROMISE TO NOT GET YOU PERMANENTLY KILLED, MAYBE.

Lg: That’s very comforting.

L: Twenty-five cents. PLEASE COME BACK. YOU’RE THE WILSON TO MY HOUSE, THE SPOCK TO MY KIRK. EXCEPT WITHOUT THE AWKWARD GAY SUBTEXT.

Lg: I don’t think she can hear you. I doubt she’s even in Cardiff.

L: *sniff* Just do the recap. I need to pull myself together.

Lg: Riiiiiight. Well, after Lindsey woke up from being knocked out by a well-thrown cursed artifact, we realized we had no transportation. So Lindsey did what any self-respecting, completely psychotic person would do. She stole the Pope’s car.

L: Borrowed. With his permission, I might add. He’s a very nice man.

Lg: But what are you going to do when the very nice man finds out about all the dirt in the back seat?

L: Go to confession?

Lg: Anyway, the rest of the trip to Cardiff was blissfully uneventful, if you discount the vampire attack in Nice.

L: I always discount vampires. Always.

Lg: And now we’re waiting for Jack Harkness and his team to show up. Are you sure they’re coming?

L: Quite positive.

Lg: How can you be so sure?

L; Because here they come now.

J: *flirtatiously* Hi, I’m Captain Jack Harkness, this is Gwen Cooper. And _who_ are _you_?

Lg: Um…

L: This is Legolas, and I’m Lindsey. I’m the one who spoke to you on the phone. *under breath* You know, you look suspiciously like the guy Maddie has tied up in her basement. Huh.

J: *flirtatiously* It’s nice to meet you. Didn’t you say there was another person coming?

L: Yeah, she ditched. Like you, we’re a man short. Woman. Girl. …Person. We’re a person short. Well, we’re not short, like, as in not tall, short like-

Lg: Wait, there are only two of you?

J: *flirtatiously* Other than Ianto, yes.

Lg: How do you cope?

J: *flirta- ah screw it, he always talks like this* We manage. Your group is only three people, isn’t it?

Lg: Touché.

Gw: Hang on, hang on, I’m going to interrupt here. Is that the Pope’s car?

Lg: *sigh*

L: …No? No. It’s just a, um- a car that happens to look exactly like the Pope’s car in every way. Completely unrelated. Nothing to see here.

Gw: Are you sure? Because I didn’t think there was another car out there that looked like that.

L: We’re getting off track. We need to focus.

Lg: Yes, because you are always on topic and never get distracted.

L: Twenty-five more cents. So, Captain Harkness-

J: Call me Jack.

L: Jack. What can you tell us about the situation with Ianto?

J: Let’s walk and talk, I’ll take you to the Hub. Come on.

Gw: I still say that’s the Pope’s car.

L: *cough* I told you, that’s completely ridiculous.

Gw: Hmm…

Lg: I have a question.

J: Shoot.

Lg: Who’s Ianto again?

J: What?!

L: Why do you keep forgetting this? It’s not that hard. I mean, he’s only the guy that we’ve been looking for the past six episodes. It’s almost as bad as you constantly forgetting when I talk about the auth- oh. Hmm.

Lg: What?

L: Nothing. Just thought of something, that’s all.

Lg: Well, that’s new.

L: Twenty-five cents. So, Jack. Ianto?

J: He disappeared about early August. He was staying alone in the Hub while Gwen and I were chasing a Weevil-

Lg: A what?

Gw: It’s a type of alien.

Lg: Oh. Okay.

J: When we got back, he was gone. It was like he just vanished.

L: Didn’t you try to look for him?

Gw: Of course we did!

J: Torchwood has hundreds of devices that you couldn’t possible dream of, so classified that I’d have to kill you if I gave you any more information. We’ve searched high and low and haven’t found him.

Gw: Jack’s been taking it hard. We both have.

Lg: We received the phone call supposedly from him on the twenty-first of August. I hear you traced it, but…

J: Nothing.

Gw: The question is, why would the imposter call your show?

Lg: It might have something to do with Lindsey. She has a habit of pissing people off. Lindsey?

L: Hm?

Lg: You’ve been quiet for a whole minute. Is something wrong?

L: No, I’ve just been thinking.

Lg: Oh no, something _is_ wrong!

L: That’s another quarter, you dork.

Lg: Man, I could buy a box of Thin Mints for the amount of money you’ve gotten off me.

L: See, if you’d stop being sarcastic and hurting my feelings you’d be able to sustain your obsessive addiction.

Lg: Pfft, please. Sarcasm doesn’t hurt your feelings. I doubt anything does.

L: My best friend _ditching_ me does. *sniff*

Lg: Oh great.

L: *sniff* WHY? WHY OH WHY DID YOU LEAVE M- wait, is this the Hub?

Gw: Um…yes. We’ve actually been in here a while.

L: Cool! Man, I wish I had a secret base like this.

J: Is she always like that?

Lg: Constantly. You get used to it.

L: Hey, do you guys have the computers where you can look up the stuff?

Gw: …Yes?

L: Great! Can you look something up for me? I have a hunch.

J: Is it a good hunch?

L: I’d like to think so.

J: I’ll look it up.

L: Look for recent break-ins in a storage facility in Kansas. Acme Storage Co.

Gw: What does this have to do with anything?

L: Just trust me on this.

J: Here it is. A box was broken into four months ago, Box AC7-438.

L: Crap. What was taken?

J: Two packaged items were taken, nothing else was touched. The company doesn’t know what was in the packages, only that one said, ‘Do not use this, serious to heaven, your brain will metaphorically explode and you will never see the world the same way again, a.k.a. Babel,’ and the other said, ‘Dear baby Jesus, whhhhyyyy? a.k.a Playing God.’

L: Double crap. No, triple crap. This is bad.

J: They tried to notify the owner, but-

L: I was too engrossed in preparing for the show.

Lg: Hold on, you own this? What are these things? Why don’t I know about them?

L: Even Grace doesn’t know about them. You both used to, but…you forgot.

J: What does this have to do with Ianto?

L: I don’t know, but the call to the show, the stolen stuff…it all leads back to me. I think whoever kidnapped Ianto is using Babel.

Lg: What do we do, then?

L: I have no clue.

J: Gwen, could you- Gwen?! Gwen, are you all right?

Gw: …

J: Gwen, speak to me!

Gw: Dude, Where’s My Respect?

J: …What?

Gw: Even The Dog Is Ashamed. It Makes Sense In Context. Badass Decay.

L: Hm. That’s interesting.

Lg: What is it?

L: She’s speaking in tropes.

Lg: You mean those things on that one website, the one you keep talking about?

L: Yeah. I’ve never seen anything like this.

Gw: Bunny-Ears Lawyer. Heterosexual Life Partners. Accidental Nightmare Fuel.

J: You. You know what’s going on here. Is this a side effect of the machine?

L: Like I said, I have no clue. I only used the machine once.

J: This is your fault. Fix this and get my team back now.

*door slam*

L: Wow, he’s kind of touchy.

Lg: I wonder why.

L: I know, right? This is a comedy show! What’s with all the drama?

Lg: I-

L: Also, you owe me another quarter.

Lg: _Dangit!_

L: Haha, can’t slip by me! I’m on top of my game. I’m in my element. I’ve almost got this whole thing figured out. The only thing that could bring me down would be a sudden ironic twist of events that would propel us into the climax!

*phone rings*

L: …

Lg: …

L: Any chance that that’s just junk phone?

*phone keeps ringing*

L: Maybe if I just don’t answer it…

 **Answer the phone.**

L: Aw, I don’t wanna!

 **Just answer the phone, you lazy sod.**

L: Fine. But I’m doing this under protest.

Lg: Who are you talking to?

L: Never mind. *phone click* Hello, this is Lindsey the Great, how can I direct your plot-relevant call?

G: *on phone* I see you haven’t changed since I’ve been away.

L: GRACE! Joy of joys, light of my life, at long last I’ve found you again! My heart is finally complete, I have purpose once more, I-

Lg: It’s only been a week, Lindsey. Grace, nice to hear your voice.

G: *on phone* And you. Listen, I don’t have much time. Is that Harkness guy there?

L: Yeah, I’ll get him. JACK! THE PLOT APPROACHETH!

J: What is it?

L: A development.

G: *on phone* Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Lg: Does it matter?

G: *on phone* It’s funnier if you hear the good news first.

L: Alright, what’s the good news?

G: *on phone* The good news is, I know where the Yan-guy is.

J: Where-

G: *on phone* The bad news is, I’m captured right along with him, and the bad guy is holding us hostage.

L: Oh. That’s not good.

G: *on phone* No, it’s not. He wants you three to come to an abandoned warehouse on the bay. He says he’s giving you a week to prepare however you want, and then he’ll have me call to set up specifics. By the way, Ianto’s fine, just a bit peeved that there’s no decent coffee and his suit’s all messed up. He says hi.

L: Who’s the bad guy? Who’s got you?

G: *on phone* See, now I’m totally blaming you for this one, because it’s- *klick*

L: *gasp* She hung up on me!

Lg: Or the bad guy hung up because she was about to reveal his identity.

L: Oh. Yes, that does make sense.

 J: So- and I can’t believe I’m asking you this- what do we do?

L: We wait. Prepare. Start listening to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and ‘Bad to the Bone’ every morning.

J: What?

L: It helps!

Gw: Exactly What It Says On The Tin.

L: What she said. Because you see, Captain Harkness- the game is afoot!

Lg: You’ve always wanted to say that, haven’t you?

L: Yeah.

*END OF TAPE*

 **These guys have no idea what they’re getting into. Heh.**


	10. The Top of the Triangle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the villain is revealed, there is a dramatic reconnection, and the Torchwood team doesn't really do much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set Oct. 23rd, 2011.

Cast of Characters:

     Lindsey- L

     Legolas- Lg

     Grace- G

Special Guests:

     Jack Harkness- J

     Gwen Cooper- Gw

     Ianto Jones- I

     Surprise Guest- B

 

Geek-O-Rama: Episode 10- The Top of the Triangle

L: You know, a popular representation of the structure of a narrative is Freytag’s Triangle, modified from Aristotle’s. It’s the figure of a scalene triangle, with the left side longer than the right. The left side of the triangle is the rising action. The climax, the most epic seat-clenchingly page-turningly part is the top of the triangle, and the right side of the triangle is the follow-up, epilogue, whatever. That’s why it’s shorter than the left side. Usually. Unless it’s Lord of the Rings.

Lg: Hey!

L: It hurts because you know it’s true.

J: What does this have to do with anything? We’re about to go into the warehouse.

L: I’m just letting the listeners know where we are. We’re at the top of the triangle.

Gw: Good Cop Bad Cop.

L: Exactly.

Lg: Could you stop her from doing that?

J: She just does it on her own. I don’t think she can even control it.

Gw: And I Must Scream.

Lg: Why did you bring her in the first place?

J: Because she is still a member of my team, and I will not leave her behind.

Lg: Okaaay, protective much?

L: Hello, and welcome to episode ten of Geek-O-Rama! Things are heating up as we prepare to storm into the warehouse! Well, sneak quietly in the back. Our theme this episode- damsels in distress.

J: I’m pretty sure Ianto would object to both of those descriptions.

Lg: Grace would punch you in the face if you tried to imply that she was in distress.

L: No, she wouldn’t.

Lg: Okay, no she wouldn’t, but she’d really, really want to.

J: Is now really the time? It’s kind of inconvenient.

L: No time like the present!

Lg: We couldn’t have done this in the half hour car ride getting here?

L: That’s not dramatically dynamic. Also, I only have a limited amount of time on my battery. So we’d better make this rescue quick.

J: I’m pretty sure I’m the one in charge here.

L: It’s all a delusion. I’m the main character, therefore I pwn everybody else. Take it away, Legolas!

Lg: Take what away?

L: The recap.

Lg: Dang, I was hoping you’d forget.

L: Nope. Go.

Lg: *sigh* Nothing happened last week. Nada. Bupkis. Except for Lindsey driving us crazy singing 80s rock songs at four in the morning.

L: There was internet and I was bored.

Lg: That’s your excuse for everything.

J: Are you done?

L: Hm?

J: With the- the thing. Are you done now? Can we go inside?

L: Sure. You’re in charge, after all.

J: *sigh*

Lg: See? It’s contagious. A side effect of dealing with her for too long.

Gw: Tsundere.

J: Right, let’s go.

*sound of door squeaking open, soft footsteps*

L: *softly* It’s really dark in here. Can’t we turn on a light or something?

Lg: Yes, let’s blow our cover and endanger our lives just because you have lousy eyesight.

L: Well, we can’t all be elves with perfect night vision. (Twenty-five cents, by the way.)

J: I can see fine.

Gw: Eye Scream.

L: …Yeah, well, I can see just fine too! So there!

G: Ow! That was my foot!

L: Oh, sorry, Grace.

Lg: …

J: …

Gw: Beat.

L: Hey, Grace! What are you doing here?

G: Waiting for you to rescue me. Or for the world to end, and with your record I was counting on the latter to be more likely.

J: Where’s Ianto?

G: He’s fine. Well, sort of. He’s over there trying to turn a tire into a coffeemaker.

Lg: Why…?

G: I think the ‘no coffee for three months’ thing hit him kind of hard.

J: I can imagine.

I: Where is it? Where is the beautiful, beautiful coffee of which I am enamored? Is it gone? ... _I’m so alone._

J: I’ll go talk to him.

Gw: Berserk Button.

L: So, are you ready to be rescued? We’re all prepared for the big rescue thing.

G: Is that why you’re wearing rainbow suspenders and a leather jacket?

L: The only possible thing to wear on an action excursion!

G: Of course.

Lg: I tried to talk her out of it. I really did.

G: It didn’t work.

Lg: Of course it didn’t.

G: At least it’s only clothes.

Lg: At the moment.

L: So, who’s the big bad guy behind all this? Do I get to meet him?

G: Actually, he’s right over-

*click*

G: There.

J: Who turned on the lights?

B: It was I!

L: Who’s that?

G: That’s the guy. The bad one.

L: The Terminator?

G:…No.

L: The Green Goblin?

G: No.

L: The-

Lg: It’s the guy that kidnapped them, Lindsey.

L: Ohhh, that makes sense. So then that machine next to him must be- oh dear.

B: So you recognize it. Your machine.

J: What is that?

L: It’s Babel.

B: And you know what it does.

L: Of course, I designed and built it. I recognized the side effects immediately. Though they weren’t as potent last time. I think. My memory isn’t that great.

B: I refined it a bit.

L: You call that refining? You’ve only made it more unwieldy.

B: I-

I: Can I cut in for a moment? What on earth are you talking about?

J: And who is this guy?

L: I have absolutely no idea.

B: You don’t remember me? I’m insulted. After all, I was on your show.

L: Are you…one of the guys from prison?

B: No.

L: Are you-

Lg: We’ve already done that joke this episode.

L: Oh.

G: It’s Bob.

L: There was a Bob at the prison.

G: No, the other Bob. The one you kidnapped.

L: Oh, _construction_ Bob! Hi, Bob!

B: Ever since you kidnapped me, my life has been ruined. My wife left me-

L: Because you were kidnapped?

B: Well, she said it was because I cheated on her with her sister. But it was your fault!

Lg: I don’t think she made you cheat on your wife.

B: Never mind. My children hate me-

G: That’s probably more because of the cheating.

B: And I lost my job!

L: Why? From what you’ve said so far, I kind of doubt that it’s my fault.

B: Ah, but it is! Ever since you kidnapped me, I devoted myself to finding out everything I could about you. I followed you, hacked into your computer, checked every purchase you’ve made…

L: That’s really creepy. No wonder you lost your job.

B: Eventually I was led to the storage box, with your machines and your notes. Interesting stuff you’ve made here.

L: Don’t use it. Seriously, no, Bad Things will happen. Last time I used Babel I blew up the universe. I had to put it back using string, duct tape and bubblegum. I don’t even _like_ bubblegum.

B: Relax. The Voice told me that everything would turn out fine.

L: Yes, because The Voice is so reliable. *beat* That was sarcasm, by the way.

Lg: Now there’s a voice?

G: Lindsey, seriously. What’s going on?

J: Ianto, you’ve been here for three months, do you have any idea?

I: None. He’s been fairly close-mouthed.

Gw: Badass Bookworm.

B: I don’t need you three anymore. I’ll just-

L: Wait!

B: What?

L: I just want to say something.

B: What do you want to say?

Gw: Brick Joke.

L: Gwen, don’t spoil it. *ahem* People like watching other people do crazy things. They find it entertaining, especially on the interwebs. Why? Because these people do the crazy things that everyone else wants to do but doesn’t have the guts to. Everyone secretly has the desire to steal a car and drive down the freeway at a hundred plus miles an hour, or set a building on fire just to watch it burn, or hijack a boat using only an empty box of Thin Mints and a good poker face.

Lg: I really wish I had some Thin Mints right now.

L: Legolas. Don’t interrupt the monologue.

G: This is an incredibly inappropriate time for a monologue, Lindsey.

L: But- but- it’s a brick joke! See, because I said back then that I’d say it now, and so I’m saying it now because I said I’d say it then. It’s funny!

I: No, it’s not.

J: It’s really not.

Gw: Gene Hunt Interrogation Technique.

B: Okay, time to cut out the unnecessary characters. Relax, you’ll find yourselves back at your Hub safe and sound.

*bwong!*

G: People disappearing goes ‘bwong’?

L: That’s the sound they make in Star Trek: The Original Series whenever an outside force disappears people.

Lg: Thank you for that startling insight. I’m sure it’s really useful right now.

L: You’re welcome, and thank _you_ for the quarter you owe me.

B: Hey! I’m talking. The point is, I know your dirty little secret, Miss Radio Show Host. And now that Babel has completed its four month warm-up cycle, I can use it.

G: But what does it do?

L: You won’t remember unless it’s turned on.

Lg: Why?

L: Because otherwise your brains would shut down and you’d end up a drooling vegetable.

G: Well, that certainly explains _you_.

L: Hey!

B: We can dance around the issue all you want, but we both know that the plot demands that I turn this on eventually.

Lg: Just tell us what’s going on!

B: I can do better than that- I’ll show you.

L: No, wait-

*click*

And then everything changed.

Bob looked triumphant as Grace and Legolas stared around in confusion, and Lindsey looked for something hard to beat her head against.

“What the hell just happened?” Grace asked, in a rare moment of profanity.

Lindsey was about to give a suitably snarky/expository/slightly insane remark, when a Voice in bold font cut in.

 **Well, I think now is just a fabulous time for a cliffhanger. Tune in on Halloween for our special series finale-**

“Wait a minute,” Lindsey said, glaring up in the general direction of the ceiling, “I didn’t get to say the conclusion! I _never_ get to say the conclusion.”

 **The conclusion isn’t important** , The Voice replied, sounding slightly exasperated, **Besides, you’ll get to say it next week.**

“You promise?”

 **I promise. You gonna let me finish?**

“Sure, go ahead.” Lindsey leaned back against a barrel and looked expectant. Grace and Legolas had sunk to the ground looking lost and confused.

Bob opened his mouth to say something suitably evil, but The Voice cut him off.

 **Join us next week for our incredibly dramatic, action-packed and hilarious season finale!**

*TO BE CONTINUED*


	11. Just Sit Tight Until the Deus Ex Machina Shows Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our heroes meet their author, who resolves never to write in this format again. Seriously, screw this crap, I'm sticking with script from now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set Oct. 31st, 2011, and this would probably work better if I had actually posted them on the dates but that would require me to not procrastinate writing and I don't think I can do that.

Cast of Characters:

     Lindsey- L

     Legolas- Lg

     Grace- G

Special Guests:

     Bob- B

     And Surprise Guests

 

Geek-O-Rama: Episode 11- Just Sit Tight Until the Deus Ex Machina Shows Up

     Lindsey sighed in exasperation. “So,” she said, “This is the season finale.” She stared around the warehouse, taking in the scene.

     Bob was standing next to Babel, tapping his feet and looking impatient because he was upstaged by The Voice. Well you know what, pal, tough crap. I’m the author. Ha ha! Ahem.

     Grace and Legolas sat on the floor, playing a complicated, made-up game out of bits and that they had found around the warehouse. Lindsey had actually made up the game, but Grace and Legolas (as usual) played along because they were bored.

     Lindsey snorted derisively, “Oh yes,” she said drily, “This is truly the stuff of epic climaxes. And stop using adverbs, you just used two in a row.”

     **I’ll write however I darn well please,** The Voice said _irritably_. **Stop backseat writing. I know what I’m doing.**

     Grace gave a delicate snort of disbelief. “Yes, that’s why we’ve been standing around awkwardly for a week. That’s very reassuring.”

     **The real Grace is much nicer than you.**

     Grace rolled her eyes with the weary expression of someone who had no idea what was going on and wasn’t likely to get an explanation any time soon. Legolas took advantage of her distraction and stole one of her pieces.

     Lindsey sat down at her place in the game and sighed dramatically. Bob tried to get everyone’s attention, but Legolas cut him off.

     “So,” he said, “are we ever going to learn what’s happening, or is everybody else going to just keep talking cryptically and ignore us?”

     “Knowing this show, it could go either way,” Grace said sagely, stealing her piece back from Legolas. As they engaged in a brief but fierce tug-of-war for the piece, The Voice answered, **Of course we’ll explain everything. After all, I’m sure the readers are curious as well.**

     Grace raised a skeptical eyebrow. “We have readers?”

     **Well-** The Voice stuttered, **I mean, not as such. I’m sure they’re out there _somewhere_ , but they just don’t, you know, comment. Or do anything else. But that’s not the point!**

     Lindsey gave an overdramatic gasp and flung herself backwards, crying, “Not the point?! Of course it’s the point! The readers are _everything_. Why, if it weren’t for the readers, we’d-“

     Bob threw an empty ox, which hit Lindsey on the head, silencing her. What an ox was doing in a warehouse, especially and empty ox, no one knew, but scientists believe that it was caused by the author misspelling ‘box,’ which makes more sense.

     Box or ox, it shut Lindsey up, and Grace and Legolas applauded appropriately while Lindsey muttered under her breath things which would raise the rating of the show.

     **Okay, enough shenanigans,**  The Voice instructed, **Heh. Isn’t that a great word? Shenanigans. Shenaniganry. Shen- Well. It’s a cool word.**

      All three heroes stood in an identical, arms-crossed, ‘get on with it’ attitude. It was very impressive, sort of like an action movie poster if the movie were about two teenage girls and an elf going around doing crazy things. Actually, that sounds like a good idea. Any offers for the rights?

     The glares of the main characters intensified, and The Voice said sheepishly, **Explanations now. I’ll start. I’m the author.**

     “That explains so much,” Legolas said sarcastically. He slipped Lindsey a quarter without needing to be told, mumbling something like “totally worth it.”

     Bob realized that no one would be paying attention to him for a while, so he began a presentation of The Phantom of the Opera using only interpretive dance. It was very interesting, but still not important, so no one really cared (except for a curious rat, who began to play the part of Christine).

     **Lindsey, maybe you’d better pick up explaining,** The Voice continued, **I think it would make more sense coming from you than from a mysterious Voice in the sky.**

     “No,” Legolas said.

     “Not really,” Grace added.

     Lindsey began anyway, casting a dark look towards her friends. “For a time a while back, I was really into inventing stuff. Like, stuff that by all rights should be against the laws of nature and nature’s God.”

     “I thought you weren’t going to get into religion stuff,” Legolas cut in, not really paying attention but trying to be as annoying as possible.

     Lindsey ignored him and valiantly soldiered on in the face of overwhelming indifference. “It’s a reference to the Declaration of Independence.”

     Legolas screwed up his pretty face in an attempt to remember. “Is that the one that starts with ‘Fourscore and seven years ago’?”

     “…No. That’s the Gettysburg Address. But that’s completely off topic!” Lindsey shook her head as if shaking distractions away, and glared balefully at Legolas.

     He ignored her, and started playing the game again. Grace soon joined in, and Lindsey gave up on the ungrateful ingrates (see what I did there?), focusing on the readers instead. She was sure they were out there somewhere. Maybe.

      “Eventually I created Babel.” She pointed to the machine, next to which Bob was doing an excellent pirouette. But no one cares about him. Lindsey said, “I wasn’t sure what it would do, so I just let it do its thing. When I finally turned it on, having observed all the side effects during the warm-up process and choosing to ignore them, I discovered the horrifying secret of our universe.”

     “The whole universe?” Grace asked disinterestedly, not looking up.

     Lindsey nodded sincerely while The Voice protested, **It’s not that bad!** __

Lindsey shuddered and nodded even more fiercely. “Yes, it is. Okay, here’s the low-down- Everything in this universe is just a story that a bored teenager wrote and posted on the Internet. The Voice that you keep hearing, the one in bold font? That’s the author. And she’s me.”

     Now Grace and Legolas both looked up, identical expressions of confusion on their faces. Legolas opened his mouth the say something, then closed it, quietly shaking his head.

     Grace stared off at nothingness (well, actually she stared at Bob, who was now at ‘Masquerade’, but he doesn’t count) and whispered to herself, “That explains everything. _Everything._ ”

     Legolas finally asked, “So, when you say ‘she’s me,’ does that mean you’re the author?”

     Lindsey started to say ‘Not exactly,’ when The Voice cut her off, vehemently protesting, **No no no _no_ , absolutely not. Heaven forbid.**

     Lindsey huffed. “You don’t need to be that defensive,” she said.

     Legolas frowned and said, “Now I’m really confused.”

     Grace sighed and buried her head in her hands, weary in the knowledge that her life would never, ever make sense.

     The Voice picked up the explanation. **You see, I started this show because I was bored one day and I wanted to write something. I only wanted to write dialogue, so I decided on writing a radio show, and I made it about myself, a few friends, and Legolas, because I didn’t feel like developing characters and I was really into Lord of the Rings at the time. Also I was like, ten. Not exactly the age for literary greatness.**

     “Was Dana one of your friends?” Grace asked suddenly.

     **No, I made her up. I needed another fangirl besides me.**

     Legolas looked at Grace and said, “What made you ask that? It seems kind of random.”

     Grace furrowed her brow in thought and said, “I…really don’t know. It seemed like the thing to do at the time.”

     Lindsey said, glaring up at the ceiling, “Stop using my friends to work foreshadowing in! That’s just lazy writing.”

     **This whole show started from a desire to do lazy writing,** The Voice retorted rationally, realizing her repetitive riff was really redundant, **I’ll write however I darn well please. Hence the alliteration I just did.**

     “But it doesn’t even make sense!” Lindsey protested.

     “The foreshadowing or the alliteration?” Legolas said, still trying to keep up. Grace had given up, and was now playing Solitaire with a pack of cards she had stolen out of Lindsey’s purse, which had never before been mentioned, but I’m saying it now. So there.

     “Both!” Lindsey proclaimed in response to Legolas’ question, cursing the extraneous bits in between the dialogue that were really distracting and unnecessary and only there because the author was trying to be funny and failing miserably at it.

     **Hey!** , The Voice said, **I am funny! I’m very funny!** Lindsey gave a skeptical look, and The Voice muttered, **_Daddy_ thinks I’m funny.**

     “Daddy thinks that fart jokes and awkwardly worded sentences are hilarious,” Lindsey said, “He’s not really the highest form of comedic criticism.”

     “It’s true,” Grace said, interjecting from where she was sitting on the floor. Bob was in the middle of a finely-crafted duet with Christine the rat, but nobody was paying attention to him. Like, at all.

     “What I’m saying is,” Lindsey continued, sick of being the sane one, “Randomly putting foreshadowing in just for the sake of foreshadowing a storyline you’re not even sure you’re going to write is just plain bad writing.”

     **I am going to write it!** The Voice said, **I just moved it back a season, that’s all.**

     Legolas said, “I can’t help but notice that you didn’t deny the ‘plain bad writing’ comment.”

     **Shut up, Legolas,** The Voice said petulantly, **Don’t make me reveal your origin story.**

     “My what?” Legolas asked in confusion, while Lindsey frantically shook her head and waved her hands about.

     **Er…never mind.**

     “No, why don’t you tell him?” Bob interjected, having just finished the finale and taken a bow with Christine the rat. “Why don’t you tell them everything?”

     “Oh, are you still here?” Lindsey said, raising a disinterested eyebrow.

     Bob pulled out a gun and pointed it at her chest. Grace jumped up from the floor with a cry and Legolas pulled out a knife seemingly from thin air.

     Lindsey stuck her hand in her pockets and kept her disinterested expression. “Relax, guys,” she said, “I’m the main character, I’m not going to die. You though…” She eyed them thoughtfully, then said, “You might want to get behind me. Never know when the author’s gonna go all Joss Whedon on us.”

     Bob took the safety off the gun and leveled it at Lindsey again. “You think you’re so special,” he sneered, “You think you can do whatever you want, take anything you want, with no regard for the consequences.”

     “Um,” Lindsey said, “It’s more like I know I can. Main character, remember? I do the things that ‘real world’ people wouldn’t even think about doing, without _any_ consequences. Because I’m the main character.”

     Bob continued on as if he hadn’t heard her. “You think you can just _kidnap_ me, and _ruin_ my life-“

     “Hey, you ruined your own life, dude,” Lindsey said, “And for someone who figured out how to turn on Babel, you’re really not getting this main character thing are you?”

     “I may not understand why you think you can rampage around like you own the universe,” Bob said, turning the evil-monologue-ham-o-meter up to the nth degree, “But thanks to my acces to the fourth wall, I know several other things. Such as Legolas’ origin story,” Lindsey flinched, “what really happened to Dana,” Lindsey flinched again and looked around guiltily, “and about ID-“

     **Okay, that’s enough,** The Voice said, **We can’t be spilling all my secrets, can we?**

     “I think I’ve said enough anyway,” Bob said, smirking. “The point is, I’m better than you now, Miss Radio Show Host. I’m above you.”

     “She has a name, you know,” Grace said. “It’s a nice name, too. Well, it’s an okay name. Not as good as mine.”

     “But mine is cooler backwards,” Lindsey pointed out, and Grace rolled her eyes.

     “Don’t start that again,” Legolas said, gripping his knife harder, “There’s only so many times a well-mannered elf can take being called Salogel before he snaps. And I’m not a well-mannered elf.”

     “I’ll say,” Lindsey said, “No well-mannered elf would be as whiny about Thin Mints as you are.” She rolled her eyes at the same time Grace did. Synchronized eye-rolling, if you will. It could be an Olympic sport.

     Legolas glared at Lindsey and waved his knife at her, saying, “I’m also in the habit of carrying sharp objects wherever I go, so watch what you say about me.”

     Lindsey giggled and patted him on the shoulder. “You’re cute, Legolas,” she said, and it was Legolas’ turn to roll his eyes.

     “Nobody takes me seriously,” He muttered to himself.

     Bob fired the gun, and the bullet whistled by Lindsey’s ear, only half an inch away. “I’m done playing around,” he said, gritting his teeth, “I won’t take it anymore.”

     Lindsey opened her mouth to speak, and Bob put the barrel of the gun right between her eyes.

      “No, _shut up!_ ” he yelled, flecks of spit coming out his mouth. Lindsey screwed up her face in disgust as he continued, “You’re a menace to the world, radio girl, and I, Roberto Nuntierrez the Fourth, will stop you.”

      “That would be easier if your gun weren’t jammed,” Lindsey said, pointing to it.

     As Bob swore in Spanish and started fiddling with the gun, Grace leaned over to Lindsey and whispered, “What are we going to do? This guy’s not exactly firing on all cylinders.”

     “What the title says,” Lindsey replied, grinning manically, “Just sit tight until the deus ex machina shows up.”

     “Whatever a deus ex thingy is, it had better show up soon,” Legolas hissed, “I think he’s really going to shoot you.”

     “Damn straight I am,” Bob said, having finally fixed his gun. “Don’t you guys ever stop talking? You talk and you talk, but you never do anything.”

     “Pot, meet kettle,” Lindsey muttered.

     **Sorry, I’m not good at writing action.**

     “Shut up!” Bob said, waving the gun around with a crazed look in his eyes, “I’m gonna do it!”

     His finger moved to the trigger and started squeezing. Grace winced and looked away in anticipation. Legolas gritted his teeth and clutched his knife tighter. Lindsey looked bored.

     Just when it looked like the show would have an abrupt ending, the sound of a heck of a lot of feet came from outside.

     Bob looked over at the wall the noise was coming from, but before he could say anything, a host of men in body armor with very big guns burst through said wall and surrounded Bob.

     “NYPD,” a familiar voice said, “Roberto Nuntierrez, you’re under arrest for-“

     “Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, “Bob interjected, “NYPD? This is Cardiff, it’s way outside your jurisdiction.”

     “But not outside mine,” another oddly familiar voice said, as he took off his helmet to reveal that he was Seeley Booth.

     “I’m getting a weird sense of déjà vu,” Legolas said, scratching his head with the point of his knife in concentration.

     Lindsey nodded, grinning widely, and The Voice said, **Ah, circularity in plot. I loves it. So much.**

     As Booth and Don Flack, the first guy that spoke, handcuffed Bob and handed him over to two other officers, who began leading him out (Christine the rat ran over to him, crawled up his leg and jumped in his pocket), Grace asked, “Why are they arresting him again? I mean, not like I’m complaining, but…”

     Lindsey put on her ‘wise sage’ expression, which looked suspiciously similar to her ‘I’m secretly making fun of you’ expression, and replied, “Because, my dear Grace, the plot demands it.”

     “Well, that’s a lame reason.”

     **Shut up. I’m the author, I make the rules.**

     “That just mean you’re a bad author,” Legolas pointed out. Suddenly a _completely random_ piece of ceiling fell off and hit him in the head. Gosh, I can’t fathom how that happened, but he probably deserved it.

     Booth looked over at the three ‘heroes’, and said, “It’s worse than I thought. The fabric of reality is slipping.”

     “The who the what now?” Grace asked, her voice raising in alarm. Legolas, still rubbing his head, adopted a concerned expression. He named it Bob. It seemed appropriate.

     The other Bob yelled out from where he was being led away, “That’s right! And even if you manage to stop Babel from blowing up the universe, I broadcast your storage box location, number and inventory all over the Internet! When you’re dealing with the consequences of your ungodly inventions, then you’ll-“

     His rant was cut off by the officers dragging him outside, because in real life I highly doubt the officers would just wait for the villain to say his piece, even if it were plot-relevant. They’re busy people, you know.

     Anyway, Legolas and Grace both looked at Lindsey with looks of utter incredulity. (Legolas had shufted his concerned expression back to the foster home, deciding he wasn’t ready to be a father).

     Lindsey giggled and said, “It’s so cute when you guys do things in unison.”

     Grace said, “Lindsey, what have we told you about building things that blow up the universe?”

     Lindsey made an uneducated guess. “That it’s…bad?”

     “That’s right,” Legolas said, “It’s very bad. So fix it.”

     Booth turned his steely gaze on Lindsey, looking very manly and tough, and said, “Can you do it?”

     “Sure!” Lindsey said cheerfully, “Easy-peasy. But first some conditions.”

     Booth looked confused and asked, “What conditions?”

     Lindsey grinned, looking very slightly evil, and Grace and Legolas back away from her reflexively. “Oh, just a few,” she said.

     “You might want to write this down,” Legolas told Booth.

     “This’ll take forever,” Grace agreed.

      **Can we make this quick?** The Voice cut in, **I’m getting tired of writing in this format. It’s hard work, and now my hand hurts.**

     “Get over it, you big baby,” Lindsey said, “If you’d stop writing in that dinky composition notebook and just went right to the computer, you wouldn’t have this problem.”

     **Yes I would,** The Voice whined, **Writing like this is haaaard. I wanna go back to dialogue-only.**

     “Well, stop distracting me, then,” Lindsey snapped, then turned back to Booth. “Okay, these are the conditions. You guys don’t arrest us. And if you come across us in the future, you won’t arrest us. We’ve already done one jail storyline, doing another would be redundant.”

     “I think we can arrange that,” Booth said, “Anything else?”

     “No,” Lindsey said, and Legolas and Grace gasped in shock and amazement. Lindsey squared her shoulders and ignored them, saying, “But if you guys come across anything really weird and need advice, call me. I’m an expert on weird.”

     “Gee, I wonder why,” Legolas said, and when Lindsey held out her hand for a quarter, he threw it at her head.

     “I…will keep that in mind,” Booth said, in a manner that indicated that he would do no such thing.

     Lindsey decided that was as good as she was going to get, then addressed the ceiling next. “Hey, Voice,” she said, “I have a condition to ask of you, too.”

     **What makes you think I’ll do it? I’m the one in charge here, not the other way around.**

     “You will,” Lindsey said, a faint smile curling the edge of her lips, “Because if you don’t, I won’t turn off the machine and you’ll have to write in this format for the holiday specials as well.”

     **…Fine, you evil, evil author avatar. What is it?**

“I want Legolas and Grace to remember what happened this time,” Lindsey said, “Them forgetting gets very annoying. Oh, and Booth and these other dudes as well, if they want.”

     Booth shrugged. “It’s all the same to me.”

     **But-**

     Grace butt in, pleading, “Oh, _please_ just say yes and get on with it. Legolas and I want to keep our memories, right, Legolas?”

     Legolas said, “I’m a fictional character already, so I’m used to it.”

     **Well, actually-**

     “Okay!” Lindsey said loudly, clapping her hands together, “Now that that’s settled, let’s turn off this machine already. Booth, you and all you other guys should probably leave. It might go screwy with extraneous characters nearby.”

     Booth nodded, and he and everybody else except Lindsey, Grace and Legolas trekked out of the warehouse.

     Lindsey dashed to the machine with a look of deep concentration on her face, and wiggled her fingers in preparation.

     Grace asked, “Are you sure you know what you’re-“ but Lindsey had already pushed a big, red button.

 

…

 

G: Wait, that’s it? Just the push of a button and everything’s back to normal?

 **Oh, thank _God_.**

L: Technically speaking, you’re God in this universe.

 **Well, thank me, then.**

L: You do realize that now that you’ve written all this in the notebook, you have to type it up?

 **…Crud.**

L: You go do that while we finish up.

 **Fine. You guys behave yourselves, now.**

L: Always do.

 **Yeah, right.**

Lg: So this is the end of the season. The three of us standing in an empty warehouse, and not a Thin Mint in sight.

G: It’s a bit anticlimactic.

L: Wait! Whoa. You guys.

Lg & G: What?  
L: No distractions, no interruptions. Do you know what this means?

Lg…Does it mean you’re going to give me Thin Mints?

L: It means I get to do a conclusion!

G: Oh joy.

Lg: So that’s a no on the Thin Mints?

L: Okay, here goes- as this epic saga reaches its end, our heroes resolve to make use of the lessons they learned, such as-as-

G: Well?

L: I’m thinking! Um, don’t send money to Nigerian princes? Don’t stick beans up your nose? Don’t take wooden nickels?

Lg: Wooden nickels?

L: I don’t know! We learned something, didn’t we?

G: Not really, no.

L: Well, that’s depressing.

G: A little bit, yeah.

Lg…

L: …

G: …

Lg: So…you guys wanna finish this game?

L: Yeah, sure.

G: We should probably turn off the recorder.

Lg: I’ll do it.

*END OF TAPE*


End file.
